At Weight Watchers a few weeks ago the lady doing the meeting stressed to us the importance of not calling it cheating when you have something maybe you shouldnt. That this is a life style change and you can still eat all things just in moderation. Instead she encouraged us to refer to it as treating. And that it is okay to do that sometimes. I would tend to agree with this statement for the most part. However like with all things, too much is TOO MUCH.
I was on Vacation this past week and let me tell you, I have not been treating...I have been cheating. More than cheating, that sounds too calm, too little. Ive been stealing, sneaking, gorging, stuffing, and just all around pigish. It all started with some innocent cheese fries. Needless to say friends, maybe "treating" should be left up to the professionals. Cuz I dont treat, I CHEAT.
So I need to get back on track. I am positive I have gained some poundage and I can feel it. Its so funny because you automatically feel like you just picked up all that weight you lost and put it back on. Seriously. I know its ridiculous but I swear I feel the 50 pounds back on me. I'm sluggish and lazy. And irritable. My goodness. They tell you that eating right and exersizing improves your mood but I did not believe it till now. I feel what I call the Eeyore complex: "oh woah is me, my life is horrible, whine whine". And its like I can't stop. I just ate some junk food...thats an understatement..i inhaled a lot of junk food. If this were a movie you would see two people on my shoulders. One chunky one with a shirt too small on going "oh come on Kelly, you can eat some more you deserve it." And the other a thin sporty type holding a tennis racket calling me to the outdoors and to step away from the Twinkee.
I am dissapointed. I didnt think I was even capable of these bad habits anymore. I thought I had it beat. And I could pretend like all is okay and write about more weight I've lost and never be honest. That is the 'sane' thing I suppose. Why tell the world that over the last 4-5 days I have consumed enough to feed a small country and I'm pretty sure my collar bone has been sunken back into my fat. Because I have to. I have to be honest about my struggles. My downs and 'cheats' as well as my ups and victories. Otherwise I'm portraying a false reality. That losing weight and eating good is so easy. And I have never had a problem with it. That everyday I walk 10 miles with weights on and eat only fruits, veggies, and grains. But that is a lie. Its HARD. There are days I dont even want to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. Let alone exersize. So I let it all out. I share what I'm dealing with and where I am at. It helps keep me accountable and maybe even helps someone else that is struggling. Plus, I know that I have so many people supporting me and I know that when this is published those people will be right there with me cheering me on. Selfishly I want that. I need that. Everyone does.
So tomorrow is a brand new day. I will count points and eat healthy. I will work out and push myself just that little bit harder. Although I am dissapointed, I will not let it get me down, I will not let that dissapointment beat me. Because even if I fall, I know that I can get back up.
My parents bought me a bike. I am stoked. I immediately took it outside and rode it in the driveway of my house. I was petrefied. Have I mentioned that I have not rode a bike since I was like, I dont know.....12! People say you dont forget...LIES. Everytime I tried to turn I nearly fell off. I know the fundamentals, get on, pedal. But my body is all over the place. My mind saying "okay Kelly real funny now get off before we get hurt". I am confident that with more practice I can leave my driveway and maybe even go down a hill...maybe. I see lots of biking in my future. Lots of falling too.
I realized this week how blessed I am with people who love and care about me, and have my very best interest at heart. Sometimes I feel so...behind in life. Like I missed the part where eveyone jumped on the Life train. (I was probably distracted by a piece of chocolate) But as much as I would like to throw myself a pity party, and occassionaly I do, God reminds me that He has placed people in my life for a reason and I cannot discount them, or their love for me, whenever I am feeling down. So to those people-and you know who you are-thank you. For putting up with me and more so loving me anyways. =)
Things I have learned recently:
Do not buy a big bag of chips. You tell yourself that you will split it up but you wont. Then the next thing you know they are all gone.
When wearing a long dress, always make sure it is not under your feet when you get up from a chair and start to walk. Otherwise you will find yourself meeting the floor in front of 100+ people at a wedding reception.
There are times when you just have to follow your heart and what you want to do. You may be making the wrong decision but sometimes you never know until you try. Unless you're deciding to do drugs. Crack is never a good idea people.
If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. How else will you ever see what you can accomplish.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Confessions of a fat kid: Expectations
Written On: Sunday, May 23, 2010 at 9:51pm
I day dream...a lot. In fact most if I tell you about a dream I had more likely than not I was awake and day dreaming. So whenever there is something I'm looking forward to, I will constantly day dream about every aspect of it. What I will wear, say, what the other person will say, my reaction to that and so on. Then this silly fictional scenario that I've gotten all planned out, becomes my expectation. Things rarely meet my expectations. Either I've gone all fairy tale on it: "Then we shall kiss under the moonlight and stars while in the distance a faint harp is heard". Or I will go the other way and get all pessamistic and dramatic: "Oh woe is my life of despair and sorrow, I shall never find a mate". People have told me that they prefer to keep their expectations low so they won't be dissapointed. I wondered this week if this is what I do with my weight. Every week I go to weigh in I tell people, I know I have gained weight. I say how "bad" I've been. And for the last few weeks I have lost weight. I am not a fan of the low expectations. The problem with them is that you have a scapegoat so to speak. A way out. If I had gained weight then well, I expected that anyways. When you set your expectations low you set your standards low as well. Never giving yourself something to strive for. Something to work towards. Sure if your expectation is high you might not reach it but you can continue to push towards it. It can be your drive. There are of course un-realistic expectations. Like "by next week I wanna be a size 2". That wouldnt drive me to do anything but sit down with a bag of chips and a mountani dew. (FYI I have not had mountain dew in like 4 months. go me! =) ) That is not a possible goal in that time frame. My point in all this is: High REALISTIC Expectations. Ive decided I should, no NEED, to have expectations of myself. Goals as it were. Not just "lose weight" but specifics. So here's what I got so far: By the end of two weeks: - Jog 2 minutes without stopping -Exersize at least 5 times a week -Write down everything i eat and track my Weight Watcher points -Walk a 5K (3.1 miles) -Limit my coffee back down to 1 per week-been slacking on that a bit. -Do 10 full push ups -Most important: read my Bible everyday Some people may not think the last one fits in. However without God I can do none of this. He is my strength pushing me with every step. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:13 I've also noticed this week how offended I get when people can't tell I've lost weight. Like it they aren't gasping at the sight of my thining body. The thing is...I'm big. And you have to lose more for it to show than it would a smaller person. However I can tell and that is all that should matter. However, hearing it is nice. Those who notice and tell me, Thank you! =) Victory of the day: At the corps we have a dome shaped jungle gym and I REALLY want to hang upside down from it. So from time to time I go try to see if I'm getting better and today I could get one leg over. Woohoo! That's right Kelly the gymnist. Jealous. You're all jealous. And Praise God! The 40+ pounds I've lost has gotten rid of some health risks. I no longer have bad cholesterol or bad Tryclities (of however you spell it) and my risk for Diabetes has gone down. Yay! My mom asked me this week if I'd ever go back to the weight and general bad habits I was at before. In the wise words of Relient K "To go back to where I was would just be wrong, I'm pressing on" =) Things I learned this week: -Pantyhose are slightly less of the devil than they have been in the past...SLIGHTLY -When eating out if your stomach says "I'm full" STOP EATING no matter how good the food is. Stuffing yourself helps noone. On a related topic, thank God Barnes and Noble has a bathroom. That could have been embarrassing. -When doing Jumping jack make sure your pants fit or wear a belt. The phrase "pants on the ground' isnt as funny when its literal.
I day dream...a lot. In fact most if I tell you about a dream I had more likely than not I was awake and day dreaming. So whenever there is something I'm looking forward to, I will constantly day dream about every aspect of it. What I will wear, say, what the other person will say, my reaction to that and so on. Then this silly fictional scenario that I've gotten all planned out, becomes my expectation. Things rarely meet my expectations. Either I've gone all fairy tale on it: "Then we shall kiss under the moonlight and stars while in the distance a faint harp is heard". Or I will go the other way and get all pessamistic and dramatic: "Oh woe is my life of despair and sorrow, I shall never find a mate". People have told me that they prefer to keep their expectations low so they won't be dissapointed. I wondered this week if this is what I do with my weight. Every week I go to weigh in I tell people, I know I have gained weight. I say how "bad" I've been. And for the last few weeks I have lost weight. I am not a fan of the low expectations. The problem with them is that you have a scapegoat so to speak. A way out. If I had gained weight then well, I expected that anyways. When you set your expectations low you set your standards low as well. Never giving yourself something to strive for. Something to work towards. Sure if your expectation is high you might not reach it but you can continue to push towards it. It can be your drive. There are of course un-realistic expectations. Like "by next week I wanna be a size 2". That wouldnt drive me to do anything but sit down with a bag of chips and a mountani dew. (FYI I have not had mountain dew in like 4 months. go me! =) ) That is not a possible goal in that time frame. My point in all this is: High REALISTIC Expectations. Ive decided I should, no NEED, to have expectations of myself. Goals as it were. Not just "lose weight" but specifics. So here's what I got so far: By the end of two weeks: - Jog 2 minutes without stopping -Exersize at least 5 times a week -Write down everything i eat and track my Weight Watcher points -Walk a 5K (3.1 miles) -Limit my coffee back down to 1 per week-been slacking on that a bit. -Do 10 full push ups -Most important: read my Bible everyday Some people may not think the last one fits in. However without God I can do none of this. He is my strength pushing me with every step. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:13 I've also noticed this week how offended I get when people can't tell I've lost weight. Like it they aren't gasping at the sight of my thining body. The thing is...I'm big. And you have to lose more for it to show than it would a smaller person. However I can tell and that is all that should matter. However, hearing it is nice. Those who notice and tell me, Thank you! =) Victory of the day: At the corps we have a dome shaped jungle gym and I REALLY want to hang upside down from it. So from time to time I go try to see if I'm getting better and today I could get one leg over. Woohoo! That's right Kelly the gymnist. Jealous. You're all jealous. And Praise God! The 40+ pounds I've lost has gotten rid of some health risks. I no longer have bad cholesterol or bad Tryclities (of however you spell it) and my risk for Diabetes has gone down. Yay! My mom asked me this week if I'd ever go back to the weight and general bad habits I was at before. In the wise words of Relient K "To go back to where I was would just be wrong, I'm pressing on" =) Things I learned this week: -Pantyhose are slightly less of the devil than they have been in the past...SLIGHTLY -When eating out if your stomach says "I'm full" STOP EATING no matter how good the food is. Stuffing yourself helps noone. On a related topic, thank God Barnes and Noble has a bathroom. That could have been embarrassing. -When doing Jumping jack make sure your pants fit or wear a belt. The phrase "pants on the ground' isnt as funny when its literal.
Confessions of a fat kid: Sugar Coated Exercise
Written On: Monday, May 3, 2010 at 8:51pm
I am an emotional person...in case you didnt know. I cry. A lot. Its actually ridiculous. I remember as a kid being in trouble for whatever I did that day-probably something to do with my big mouth- and I would be sobbing uncontrolably. Then I would be told to go and eat my dinner. So there I sat with a bowl of tear soaked spaghetti O's shoveling food in between sobs. I tell you this for two reasons. One to show you just how emotional I really am and have been since proabably birth. And Two I wanted to point out that even when crying profusly I would not be missing a meal. Even in extreme emotional distress. As you all know I am a Biggest Loser fan. I try not to miss a week. Serious poundage losing is entriguing. You know when they get all emotional and cry about being fat? Well, I always think maybe its a little over played. You know, theyre sad I get it..but it seems to be amped up for TV. I'm fat...I dont cry about it. So I could never understand. But then this weekend I had my own "Last chance work outs". A friend pushed me just that bit harder. You know the harder where you are sweating so bad it drips off your face and into your eye rendering you momentarily blind. Saturday felt great. I was on top of the world. Sunday, while trying so hard to push myself to that one extra step, I felt it. Here I am, 25 and morbidly obese. Trying to jog less than 1/4 of a mile and feeling like I was gonna die. This is where I hit my perverbial brick wall emotionally. Physically I was gasping for air thinking that I would never breath normally again. On the inside I cursed the fact that I wa fat and hated that I let it get so bad. So I finally understand the emotion on the Biggest Loser. Because in the solidarity of the shower, with the only noise being the cold water hitting my back, I felt all the emotions inside of me and I let them out. I cried. For the first time since starting this journey. I cried about my struggle, my pain, and at that moment my absolute weakness. I thought that crying, being that upset about all of this, would make me feel defeaeted. Make me want to throw in the towel. O contrare! It made me see what needs to be worked on. How I can health-a-ly puch myself. I realised sometimes I was doing "sugar coated exercises". Not pushing myself past the point of this is hard. Im not advocating pushing yourself so hard you get hurt but if youre only doing the minimum you're not getting everything out of your workout you can. "I am struck down but NOT destroyed". I can cry a river but thats not going to stop me from pressing on. Eating better leads to cooking. Its inevitable. And me, I'm the worst kind because I actually think I CAN cook. Its the food Network channel's fault. They get me thinking if they can do it so can I. So last week while trying to make a piece of turkey, I almost burnt down the house. Looking over to see the pan on fire with flames high above it. I swear I did it just like on TV. I suppose I will never be Julia Childs. But Ive made some good food too. Like today I made a delicious Turkey Burger. It was great. Unlike my attempt at making a strawberry rhubard reduction sauce to put over my green beans. I had no idea what I was doing. Just throwing a bunch of things together. It was horrible. Lesson learned. I am getting a bike. Yup. No more walking for me. I will now "wheel" my way to health. Okay that was cheesy, even for me. But I'm very excited about this new form or exercise. A little nervous too. Why Kelly? They say you never forget how to ride a bike. I could possibly be the first person in history to prove that statement wrong. I'l keep you updated. In case I dont say it enough, thank you. To everyone who reads these and pushes me to continue. I know I am not doing this alone. You inspire me. Being vulnerable and honest is not always easy but I know its because of it Ive gotten so far and will continue on. So thank you again. Things I learned this week: -There is a runner deep down inside of me.....deep...way down. -No matter how old you are, in times of crisis, like a cooking fire, you will always call out for the help of your mom. -Nothing feels better than fitting into old clothes.
I am an emotional person...in case you didnt know. I cry. A lot. Its actually ridiculous. I remember as a kid being in trouble for whatever I did that day-probably something to do with my big mouth- and I would be sobbing uncontrolably. Then I would be told to go and eat my dinner. So there I sat with a bowl of tear soaked spaghetti O's shoveling food in between sobs. I tell you this for two reasons. One to show you just how emotional I really am and have been since proabably birth. And Two I wanted to point out that even when crying profusly I would not be missing a meal. Even in extreme emotional distress. As you all know I am a Biggest Loser fan. I try not to miss a week. Serious poundage losing is entriguing. You know when they get all emotional and cry about being fat? Well, I always think maybe its a little over played. You know, theyre sad I get it..but it seems to be amped up for TV. I'm fat...I dont cry about it. So I could never understand. But then this weekend I had my own "Last chance work outs". A friend pushed me just that bit harder. You know the harder where you are sweating so bad it drips off your face and into your eye rendering you momentarily blind. Saturday felt great. I was on top of the world. Sunday, while trying so hard to push myself to that one extra step, I felt it. Here I am, 25 and morbidly obese. Trying to jog less than 1/4 of a mile and feeling like I was gonna die. This is where I hit my perverbial brick wall emotionally. Physically I was gasping for air thinking that I would never breath normally again. On the inside I cursed the fact that I wa fat and hated that I let it get so bad. So I finally understand the emotion on the Biggest Loser. Because in the solidarity of the shower, with the only noise being the cold water hitting my back, I felt all the emotions inside of me and I let them out. I cried. For the first time since starting this journey. I cried about my struggle, my pain, and at that moment my absolute weakness. I thought that crying, being that upset about all of this, would make me feel defeaeted. Make me want to throw in the towel. O contrare! It made me see what needs to be worked on. How I can health-a-ly puch myself. I realised sometimes I was doing "sugar coated exercises". Not pushing myself past the point of this is hard. Im not advocating pushing yourself so hard you get hurt but if youre only doing the minimum you're not getting everything out of your workout you can. "I am struck down but NOT destroyed". I can cry a river but thats not going to stop me from pressing on. Eating better leads to cooking. Its inevitable. And me, I'm the worst kind because I actually think I CAN cook. Its the food Network channel's fault. They get me thinking if they can do it so can I. So last week while trying to make a piece of turkey, I almost burnt down the house. Looking over to see the pan on fire with flames high above it. I swear I did it just like on TV. I suppose I will never be Julia Childs. But Ive made some good food too. Like today I made a delicious Turkey Burger. It was great. Unlike my attempt at making a strawberry rhubard reduction sauce to put over my green beans. I had no idea what I was doing. Just throwing a bunch of things together. It was horrible. Lesson learned. I am getting a bike. Yup. No more walking for me. I will now "wheel" my way to health. Okay that was cheesy, even for me. But I'm very excited about this new form or exercise. A little nervous too. Why Kelly? They say you never forget how to ride a bike. I could possibly be the first person in history to prove that statement wrong. I'l keep you updated. In case I dont say it enough, thank you. To everyone who reads these and pushes me to continue. I know I am not doing this alone. You inspire me. Being vulnerable and honest is not always easy but I know its because of it Ive gotten so far and will continue on. So thank you again. Things I learned this week: -There is a runner deep down inside of me.....deep...way down. -No matter how old you are, in times of crisis, like a cooking fire, you will always call out for the help of your mom. -Nothing feels better than fitting into old clothes.
Confessions of a fat kid: Fragments that make a whole
Written On: Sunday, April 25, 2010
This week I've been thinking a lot about life. The different times in life. "Seasons" as some people call it. How each part of your life is blinded to the next. Having no clue where it fits in or if its made a difference. So many things in life make no sense at the time and then comes another fragment of your life that will make the last one crystal clear with understanding. If only you had known that next part you would have re-acted differently. You would have slowed down and been graceful in that situation. Instead of weeping for hours sobbing "Why me, Why me!" into your pillow. My Dad always says to me "Kelly, you didnt gain this weight overnight so dont expect to lose it overnight either." Doesnt it feel like you gained the weight over night though? Didnt you wake up one day and think, I swear I could see my toes yesterday. The fragment of life where you ate the whole box of oreos had no idea that a future fragment would have you 200 lbs over weight. If you knew what was lieing ahead the 4 cookie limit would have sounded pretty good. I love the show the biggest loser. Its encouraging and entertaining. But the one part that I hate is the weigh ins. Well not the actual weigh ins but the part where people feel as if they failed losing only 1,2 or even 5,6 lbs in one week. Yes I know its a game but that is weight loss and no matter how little it is one step closer to your goal. Plus those little fragments of your life I was talking about, add up. And what seems like not enough now at 4 lbs is gonna be huge later when all together you've lost 50 lbs. And without that 4 lbs your total would only be 46. Each part of your life is important and essiential to the rest of it. All the good and bad days have a reason, a purpose. Without one thing, your life wouldnt add up to what it is. Every pound counts. Do not be discouraged by one pound but be joyful as it is one pound less you have to lose. This weekend I went to visit my "sista from anotha mista" Jessica in NY at the School for Officers Training. There they have a great gym facility. So Saturday morning thats where we were. Jessica sets me up with some fat burning thing on the treadmill. I dont usually do a program so I thought I would give it a try. Oh my goodness! Here I am thinking I am so fit now I can dominate a treadmill. Ya..ok. Clearly not. I nearly fell off when it changed speeds. Then I was jogging on an incline of 5% @ 3.7, which I realize most people walk at that speed. I have two words to say to that, Chunky Thighs! Anyways, I got the hang of the speed change and jogged, walked, jogged, walked, repeat for 20 minutes. I was sweating like crazy calling death threaths to the machine and Jessica for making me do such an awful thing. She ran next to me assuring me I'd feel better afterwards. What I felt was my body colapse on the ground comatose. However, I do feel good. My legs hurt but its nice to be reminded they can do more than just hold me upright. My physical activity is a process. I yearn for the day I will run a marathon or bike a triatholon. But those fragments will piece together when the time is right. Then I'll look back and see where I came from and know that each point had a purpose. One of my favorite quotes is "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." I give all my fragments to the only one who can arrange them perfectly, my amazing, powerful God. Things I've learned this week: -Buffets are just horrible. Nothing good can come from them. -When your car sounds rough, sweet talk it calmly, it does wonders. -Those big round stability balls are killer for crunches. Soon my stomach shall be a washboard.
This week I've been thinking a lot about life. The different times in life. "Seasons" as some people call it. How each part of your life is blinded to the next. Having no clue where it fits in or if its made a difference. So many things in life make no sense at the time and then comes another fragment of your life that will make the last one crystal clear with understanding. If only you had known that next part you would have re-acted differently. You would have slowed down and been graceful in that situation. Instead of weeping for hours sobbing "Why me, Why me!" into your pillow. My Dad always says to me "Kelly, you didnt gain this weight overnight so dont expect to lose it overnight either." Doesnt it feel like you gained the weight over night though? Didnt you wake up one day and think, I swear I could see my toes yesterday. The fragment of life where you ate the whole box of oreos had no idea that a future fragment would have you 200 lbs over weight. If you knew what was lieing ahead the 4 cookie limit would have sounded pretty good. I love the show the biggest loser. Its encouraging and entertaining. But the one part that I hate is the weigh ins. Well not the actual weigh ins but the part where people feel as if they failed losing only 1,2 or even 5,6 lbs in one week. Yes I know its a game but that is weight loss and no matter how little it is one step closer to your goal. Plus those little fragments of your life I was talking about, add up. And what seems like not enough now at 4 lbs is gonna be huge later when all together you've lost 50 lbs. And without that 4 lbs your total would only be 46. Each part of your life is important and essiential to the rest of it. All the good and bad days have a reason, a purpose. Without one thing, your life wouldnt add up to what it is. Every pound counts. Do not be discouraged by one pound but be joyful as it is one pound less you have to lose. This weekend I went to visit my "sista from anotha mista" Jessica in NY at the School for Officers Training. There they have a great gym facility. So Saturday morning thats where we were. Jessica sets me up with some fat burning thing on the treadmill. I dont usually do a program so I thought I would give it a try. Oh my goodness! Here I am thinking I am so fit now I can dominate a treadmill. Ya..ok. Clearly not. I nearly fell off when it changed speeds. Then I was jogging on an incline of 5% @ 3.7, which I realize most people walk at that speed. I have two words to say to that, Chunky Thighs! Anyways, I got the hang of the speed change and jogged, walked, jogged, walked, repeat for 20 minutes. I was sweating like crazy calling death threaths to the machine and Jessica for making me do such an awful thing. She ran next to me assuring me I'd feel better afterwards. What I felt was my body colapse on the ground comatose. However, I do feel good. My legs hurt but its nice to be reminded they can do more than just hold me upright. My physical activity is a process. I yearn for the day I will run a marathon or bike a triatholon. But those fragments will piece together when the time is right. Then I'll look back and see where I came from and know that each point had a purpose. One of my favorite quotes is "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." I give all my fragments to the only one who can arrange them perfectly, my amazing, powerful God. Things I've learned this week: -Buffets are just horrible. Nothing good can come from them. -When your car sounds rough, sweet talk it calmly, it does wonders. -Those big round stability balls are killer for crunches. Soon my stomach shall be a washboard.
Confessions of a fat kid: getting back on the wagon, battered and bruised
Written On: Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So the expression falling of the wagon has always been funny to me. You know how all sayings like that come from somewhere? Like saying shotgun to get the front seat. That is cuz back in the day the person with the shotgun sat there to thward off all the evil people clearly trying to kill them. As for this falling off the wagon saying...did someone back in wagon times fall off alot but then just smiled and got back on? Maybe they were clumsy and fell off alot and were encouarged to get back on. Or maybe someone just made it up. None of this is relevant at all to what I am going to share. Just a thought that popped in my head that I of course felt the need to share. The past few weeks have found me off the wagon. Well not completely off...maybe being dragged with one foot on the wagon and one foot trying desperatley trying to reach the ground. Easter was the start. Ham and potatoes. Mmm. Plus I was in a bad mood that day and what did I do eat more to spite....someone. Isnt it funny that when youre mad or something you will eat more? Who exactly are you hurting? Only yourself. Which of course at the time you are not thinking of. At the time youre like I am in control of my own life and I can do what I want! As you over eat ridiculously. Having no control what so ever. So there was that. I say I was half off the wagon cuz I was still walking and generally running around making sure my heart rate got up even a little. I feel as if I could be really down on myself and get all "im a failure, I'll be fat forever!" but really that is just not the truth. The fact is I am going to over eat sometimes. I will want chocolate in abundance at times, especially certain times! And all that is okay. As Ive said before...journey my friends. I have never ran the Boston Marathon but for 7 yrs I had an officer who did. He told us about what I believe is called Heartbreak Hill? I very well might be wrong in the terminology. But there is one point in this 26 (?) mile marathon where there is a hill that kills people. They have been running and are tired then here comes a hill for them to overcome. That is what the last couple weeks have been like. So far the race has been fairly level grounded...hard at times but Ive been going steady and feeling confident. Then I have hit the pervebial hill where I am running slower trying to get over this massive bump in the road. I could drop out and throw in the towel but then I will never know the victory of finishing the marathon. So Heart break hill...I may be walking to get over you, but I will get over you. Victory of the week: I went to Old Navy to see if there were any fat girl clothes someone ordered online and didnt want so returned to the store. I decided that I would try on some womens XXL. If you know anything about plus size shopping you know that XXL and 2X are not the same. So I didnt think that XXL would fit. Alas to my surprise all the shirts fit! So now I can shop at Old Navy. Ive gotten some new tank tops and t-shirts. Soon I shall be able to buy pants there. I am at camp currently. Spent the night with my friend Alberta and our new DYS Capt. Armida. This morning Alberta and I walked to the Pioneer site so I could see the new Ampitheather. Not that its an exceptionally hard walk cuz well its not. However I am pretty sure there have been times where walking all around camp would be hard for me. Granted maybe I was just tired from chasing kids. Either way: Victory! I take it where I get it! Recently went on a hike to the High Ledges in Greenfield MA. It was amazing. You walk and then all of a sudden there you are over looking a whole town. I just thought to myself...I cant believe I could miss out on this due to laziness and being overweight. I dont ever want to miss out on things for those reasons. For all of my friends out there in cyber space struggling with the journey we call weight loss I say this: Dont give up. Have your bad moments and fall off that wagon if you need to. But pick yourself back up and get on. If you dont have the strength allow someone to pull you on. In the end you know its all worth it. Highlights of the weeks: Fat Free Pringles. Theyre awesome guilt free snacking. Buy some. Now. After no time to myself...I thank God for allowing me time with friends who lift me up and give me love. I have a collar bone. You dont believe me..next time you see me I will let you feel it. haha.
So the expression falling of the wagon has always been funny to me. You know how all sayings like that come from somewhere? Like saying shotgun to get the front seat. That is cuz back in the day the person with the shotgun sat there to thward off all the evil people clearly trying to kill them. As for this falling off the wagon saying...did someone back in wagon times fall off alot but then just smiled and got back on? Maybe they were clumsy and fell off alot and were encouarged to get back on. Or maybe someone just made it up. None of this is relevant at all to what I am going to share. Just a thought that popped in my head that I of course felt the need to share. The past few weeks have found me off the wagon. Well not completely off...maybe being dragged with one foot on the wagon and one foot trying desperatley trying to reach the ground. Easter was the start. Ham and potatoes. Mmm. Plus I was in a bad mood that day and what did I do eat more to spite....someone. Isnt it funny that when youre mad or something you will eat more? Who exactly are you hurting? Only yourself. Which of course at the time you are not thinking of. At the time youre like I am in control of my own life and I can do what I want! As you over eat ridiculously. Having no control what so ever. So there was that. I say I was half off the wagon cuz I was still walking and generally running around making sure my heart rate got up even a little. I feel as if I could be really down on myself and get all "im a failure, I'll be fat forever!" but really that is just not the truth. The fact is I am going to over eat sometimes. I will want chocolate in abundance at times, especially certain times! And all that is okay. As Ive said before...journey my friends. I have never ran the Boston Marathon but for 7 yrs I had an officer who did. He told us about what I believe is called Heartbreak Hill? I very well might be wrong in the terminology. But there is one point in this 26 (?) mile marathon where there is a hill that kills people. They have been running and are tired then here comes a hill for them to overcome. That is what the last couple weeks have been like. So far the race has been fairly level grounded...hard at times but Ive been going steady and feeling confident. Then I have hit the pervebial hill where I am running slower trying to get over this massive bump in the road. I could drop out and throw in the towel but then I will never know the victory of finishing the marathon. So Heart break hill...I may be walking to get over you, but I will get over you. Victory of the week: I went to Old Navy to see if there were any fat girl clothes someone ordered online and didnt want so returned to the store. I decided that I would try on some womens XXL. If you know anything about plus size shopping you know that XXL and 2X are not the same. So I didnt think that XXL would fit. Alas to my surprise all the shirts fit! So now I can shop at Old Navy. Ive gotten some new tank tops and t-shirts. Soon I shall be able to buy pants there. I am at camp currently. Spent the night with my friend Alberta and our new DYS Capt. Armida. This morning Alberta and I walked to the Pioneer site so I could see the new Ampitheather. Not that its an exceptionally hard walk cuz well its not. However I am pretty sure there have been times where walking all around camp would be hard for me. Granted maybe I was just tired from chasing kids. Either way: Victory! I take it where I get it! Recently went on a hike to the High Ledges in Greenfield MA. It was amazing. You walk and then all of a sudden there you are over looking a whole town. I just thought to myself...I cant believe I could miss out on this due to laziness and being overweight. I dont ever want to miss out on things for those reasons. For all of my friends out there in cyber space struggling with the journey we call weight loss I say this: Dont give up. Have your bad moments and fall off that wagon if you need to. But pick yourself back up and get on. If you dont have the strength allow someone to pull you on. In the end you know its all worth it. Highlights of the weeks: Fat Free Pringles. Theyre awesome guilt free snacking. Buy some. Now. After no time to myself...I thank God for allowing me time with friends who lift me up and give me love. I have a collar bone. You dont believe me..next time you see me I will let you feel it. haha.
Confessions of a fat kid: "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground"
Written On: Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The last couple of weeks have quite possibly been the busiest of my life. Okay that's a bit of a stretch but I have been quite busy. Trying to find time to exersize has been very difficult. So my workouts have been short. I am still trying to do something everyday however. I have been trail blazing in the forests of Western Mass. Sometimes I forget that Im not really a rock climber....yet. I tend to see these big structures made by God with waterfalls cascading over them and think...i could totally scale that. Ya...not quite. I would rather not break my face so I really need a dose of reality before I become one with the earth, literately! I am guessing that most of you know where the title of this note comes from. If not go to youtube and type it in. Gotta love American Idol auditions. They are my favorite part. Anyways. A few months ago I realized I was in need of pants so I went to Old Navy.com and bought some. When they were shipped to my house I find out they are too small. Why didnt I shop in the store you ask? Well like most stores they do not have fat girl clothes in the store. They did for a while in Old Navy but it must have offended the customers because now they are "exclusivly online" as old navy puts it on their website. I love that they try and make it sound like its a priveledge. Like we are in some elite club. Actually I have a feeling the plus sizes might have not sold well in store because lots of heavy set people are afraid of shopping in public. Feeling as if the whole world is watching them try on those size 26 jeans. Not to mention the fact that if they dont fit they you have the "walk of shame" back to the rack. I get it. It can be very intimidating. But really ladies...why are we doing this? Hiding who we are. We complain that society puts us down cuz we're fat. But very often we are the best at doing that to ourselves! So get out there and shop! Ive completely lost track of my point at the beginning of this paragraph. haha. Okay so what I was going to share was that those Old Navy pants fit now! Not just them but most of the pants I have been holding onto that have been a little to snug or really down right...i cant breathe! I was so excited to have that happen. I wasnt expecting it and was preparing myself for the worst of course. I cant always see where I am losing the weight. But that was a great conformation. So last Saturday at Weight Watchers we talked about not giving up. And boy did I need to hear that! With life getting busier and me having more urges to lay in bed and just eat all day its been a struggle to want to do anything let alone look at calories, fat etc. But what everyone said made so much sense. You will have weeks were you gain..or lose .5 or nothing. But when you give up you go right back to where you were. Or worse! I just keep thinking..if I stop and gain weight and then some...then when I want to start again I will be heavier than before. It will be like starting all over again. So my thing is this, no matter how much i want to quit, no matter how many times I mess up..I will not be throwing in the towel. I equate this much to my walk with God. When I mess up he is there pushing me to continue on. Because life with God is just that LIFE. Not a portion, not a time period but the whole thing. Weight loss is like that...is a LIFE thing. If I am making this sound easy. Please forgive me. Because its not. Not at all. But all the tears and crap days and fusterating tired nights are worth it. I am worth it. My life, me not dying in my 20's, me being able to fly to anywhere and experience everything is worth it! I went to a place called Bear's Den this week. It is woods with this really awesome waterfall. Its small but pretty non-the-less. I was with my cousin who has her permit. So at the very least if I broke something at least she could drive. Me a day dreamer by nature, envisioned me falling and breaking my arm. Then being all McGuiver and splinting it with a stick and my sweatshirt. All the while staying calm and collected. Of Course in reality I would be screaming bloody murder and would probably panic my way into unconsioness. Im always a hero in my day dreams though. I am 2 pounds away from my 5% goal at weight watchers. Its hard to keep track of weight loss because it depends on what point you start from. The doctor has their own starting point and Weight watchers has their own. I figure it doesnt matter. Weight loss is weight loss. Things I learned this week: Things always look higher when on top of them than when looking up at them. Walking down to the gym was such a great idea...walking back, uphill....ya..not so good No matter how old I get I cannot ever find socks that match. Giving up shouldnt even be an option
The last couple of weeks have quite possibly been the busiest of my life. Okay that's a bit of a stretch but I have been quite busy. Trying to find time to exersize has been very difficult. So my workouts have been short. I am still trying to do something everyday however. I have been trail blazing in the forests of Western Mass. Sometimes I forget that Im not really a rock climber....yet. I tend to see these big structures made by God with waterfalls cascading over them and think...i could totally scale that. Ya...not quite. I would rather not break my face so I really need a dose of reality before I become one with the earth, literately! I am guessing that most of you know where the title of this note comes from. If not go to youtube and type it in. Gotta love American Idol auditions. They are my favorite part. Anyways. A few months ago I realized I was in need of pants so I went to Old Navy.com and bought some. When they were shipped to my house I find out they are too small. Why didnt I shop in the store you ask? Well like most stores they do not have fat girl clothes in the store. They did for a while in Old Navy but it must have offended the customers because now they are "exclusivly online" as old navy puts it on their website. I love that they try and make it sound like its a priveledge. Like we are in some elite club. Actually I have a feeling the plus sizes might have not sold well in store because lots of heavy set people are afraid of shopping in public. Feeling as if the whole world is watching them try on those size 26 jeans. Not to mention the fact that if they dont fit they you have the "walk of shame" back to the rack. I get it. It can be very intimidating. But really ladies...why are we doing this? Hiding who we are. We complain that society puts us down cuz we're fat. But very often we are the best at doing that to ourselves! So get out there and shop! Ive completely lost track of my point at the beginning of this paragraph. haha. Okay so what I was going to share was that those Old Navy pants fit now! Not just them but most of the pants I have been holding onto that have been a little to snug or really down right...i cant breathe! I was so excited to have that happen. I wasnt expecting it and was preparing myself for the worst of course. I cant always see where I am losing the weight. But that was a great conformation. So last Saturday at Weight Watchers we talked about not giving up. And boy did I need to hear that! With life getting busier and me having more urges to lay in bed and just eat all day its been a struggle to want to do anything let alone look at calories, fat etc. But what everyone said made so much sense. You will have weeks were you gain..or lose .5 or nothing. But when you give up you go right back to where you were. Or worse! I just keep thinking..if I stop and gain weight and then some...then when I want to start again I will be heavier than before. It will be like starting all over again. So my thing is this, no matter how much i want to quit, no matter how many times I mess up..I will not be throwing in the towel. I equate this much to my walk with God. When I mess up he is there pushing me to continue on. Because life with God is just that LIFE. Not a portion, not a time period but the whole thing. Weight loss is like that...is a LIFE thing. If I am making this sound easy. Please forgive me. Because its not. Not at all. But all the tears and crap days and fusterating tired nights are worth it. I am worth it. My life, me not dying in my 20's, me being able to fly to anywhere and experience everything is worth it! I went to a place called Bear's Den this week. It is woods with this really awesome waterfall. Its small but pretty non-the-less. I was with my cousin who has her permit. So at the very least if I broke something at least she could drive. Me a day dreamer by nature, envisioned me falling and breaking my arm. Then being all McGuiver and splinting it with a stick and my sweatshirt. All the while staying calm and collected. Of Course in reality I would be screaming bloody murder and would probably panic my way into unconsioness. Im always a hero in my day dreams though. I am 2 pounds away from my 5% goal at weight watchers. Its hard to keep track of weight loss because it depends on what point you start from. The doctor has their own starting point and Weight watchers has their own. I figure it doesnt matter. Weight loss is weight loss. Things I learned this week: Things always look higher when on top of them than when looking up at them. Walking down to the gym was such a great idea...walking back, uphill....ya..not so good No matter how old I get I cannot ever find socks that match. Giving up shouldnt even be an option
Confessions of a fat kid: "Also, I think there's more to you than just fat"
Written On: Monday, March 22, 2010
Pop quiz: where is the quote at the title of this note from? Give up? Its from Grease. Possibly one of my favorite lines from that movie. Its so innocent. He means it as a compliment and she takes it as one. I have always wanted to say this line to people. To the kids who picked on me growing up, to all the boys who wouldnt give me the time of day, to the gym teachers who constantly make me feel 2nd rate because I couldnt run a lap. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST FAT! This week has been a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week". Between my purse and all my identity being stolen out of my car, not getting nearly enough sleep and the little things like having to pee so bad that i run to the bathroom but fall outside on the ground on the way. Go ahead laugh..i know you want to. There are silver lineings that God has showed me but more on that in a bit. I have been thinking a lot this week about why I am doing all of this. Is it for the right reasons? Am I wanting to be healthy or to just trying to look better so i can finally have a date? Am I writing these things to boost my ego or to inspire and be inspired by friends, family and others like me? Its difficult to go on the weight losing "journey" and not think of how great you will look afterward. However if youre not careful it can take over and become the reason youre doing it in the first place. God and I were having a little chat this week and He really just confirmed that all of this, The timing, my openess and any success I have is all because of Him. And I totally believe that with all of my heart. "For apart from Him I can do nothing". At the end of the day what I look like on the outside is not who I am. I am suddenly not going to be any smarter or funnier. (really...im already hilarous so..) Who I am is on the inside. Who God created me to be is on the inside. My personality, my gifts, talents, and even my vises will not change if I weigh 1000 pounds or 150 pounds. So I will continue to be true to who I am. Kelly Marie Flaherty, child of God! So silver lineing. Some things that would normally have been in my purse where not there. ie: my new camera and my ipod nano. Ironically my camcorder and my ipod shuffle were in there. So when the thief wants to have a laugh they can watch the ridiculous video that Daruenie and I made a few Sunday's ago during Sunday School. And they can listen to my random mix of songs I work out too. Good for them I hope they enjoy it. Also...big news. I went to the drs this week and from the last time I was there which was maybe 4ish weeks ago...i have lost 18 pouinds. Woohoo! Aparently eating right and exersize actually IS good for you. Who knew? They should really advertise that more. I have to tell you about my friday. Last week I shared about climbing on a big rock. I've posted pics if you would like to check them out. Anyways this week I went back with a couple of my kids. I looked at the rock and thought...i wonder if the first initial hurdle would be as hard as it was last week. So I boosted myself up not wanting to climb all the way up but just the first step I guess you could say. I got up no problem and thought. Wow one week and I'm already one step closer to being a professional rock climber. Then I went to get down.... I was frozen. Trying to find a grip to hold on to and allow my foot to go down to the "step" below. But I couldnt reach it. As I stood there sweating to death at this point trying to figure out how I get myself in these situations I thought, great now I have to climb up just to get down again. Daruenie was there yelling at my to just put my foot down. As she said...ITS RIGHT THERE! But everytime I tried to and I didnt feel the safety of the rock below I would put my foot back up and exclaim that I was clearly going to be stuck on this rock forever! In my head I was miles away from where i was trying to get and there was no way I could do it. Finally I put my foot down enough and oh look..it was right there all along. There was probably about a half an inch from where I was. But that was the farthest half inch of my life! I suppose I need to learn to let go. With my great ability to relate anything to a lesson, I say this: In life we need to learn to let go and trust that all will be okay. To know that there are people there helping us and guiding us. We cannot let fear run our lives. As then we will never be able to move on. So when I face planted on the pavement I instictivly put my hands out and tried to catch myself. So today I am expierencing huge amounts of muscle pain in my arms. Feels like I lifted hundreds of pounds. Oh wait...i did! Maybe I should trip more often. Seems to be a good workout. I am starting to get restless of eating right. I have not stopped yet or been tempted to the Devils delicious food cake. But I am wanting to not track points and calories and fiber and fat etc. Sigh. BUT I know that it is working so I will continue on and do it even when I dont feel like it. Things I learned today: RMV's are the most ridiculous places. You would think they would make more of them. Just when you think you are almost done they tell you to fill something out and come back. By then there is a huge line for you to stand in. Climbing rocks and jumping around in the woods is a great workout...3 days later and my legs are still sore. In the wise words of Relient K..Im pressing on
Pop quiz: where is the quote at the title of this note from? Give up? Its from Grease. Possibly one of my favorite lines from that movie. Its so innocent. He means it as a compliment and she takes it as one. I have always wanted to say this line to people. To the kids who picked on me growing up, to all the boys who wouldnt give me the time of day, to the gym teachers who constantly make me feel 2nd rate because I couldnt run a lap. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST FAT! This week has been a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week". Between my purse and all my identity being stolen out of my car, not getting nearly enough sleep and the little things like having to pee so bad that i run to the bathroom but fall outside on the ground on the way. Go ahead laugh..i know you want to. There are silver lineings that God has showed me but more on that in a bit. I have been thinking a lot this week about why I am doing all of this. Is it for the right reasons? Am I wanting to be healthy or to just trying to look better so i can finally have a date? Am I writing these things to boost my ego or to inspire and be inspired by friends, family and others like me? Its difficult to go on the weight losing "journey" and not think of how great you will look afterward. However if youre not careful it can take over and become the reason youre doing it in the first place. God and I were having a little chat this week and He really just confirmed that all of this, The timing, my openess and any success I have is all because of Him. And I totally believe that with all of my heart. "For apart from Him I can do nothing". At the end of the day what I look like on the outside is not who I am. I am suddenly not going to be any smarter or funnier. (really...im already hilarous so..) Who I am is on the inside. Who God created me to be is on the inside. My personality, my gifts, talents, and even my vises will not change if I weigh 1000 pounds or 150 pounds. So I will continue to be true to who I am. Kelly Marie Flaherty, child of God! So silver lineing. Some things that would normally have been in my purse where not there. ie: my new camera and my ipod nano. Ironically my camcorder and my ipod shuffle were in there. So when the thief wants to have a laugh they can watch the ridiculous video that Daruenie and I made a few Sunday's ago during Sunday School. And they can listen to my random mix of songs I work out too. Good for them I hope they enjoy it. Also...big news. I went to the drs this week and from the last time I was there which was maybe 4ish weeks ago...i have lost 18 pouinds. Woohoo! Aparently eating right and exersize actually IS good for you. Who knew? They should really advertise that more. I have to tell you about my friday. Last week I shared about climbing on a big rock. I've posted pics if you would like to check them out. Anyways this week I went back with a couple of my kids. I looked at the rock and thought...i wonder if the first initial hurdle would be as hard as it was last week. So I boosted myself up not wanting to climb all the way up but just the first step I guess you could say. I got up no problem and thought. Wow one week and I'm already one step closer to being a professional rock climber. Then I went to get down.... I was frozen. Trying to find a grip to hold on to and allow my foot to go down to the "step" below. But I couldnt reach it. As I stood there sweating to death at this point trying to figure out how I get myself in these situations I thought, great now I have to climb up just to get down again. Daruenie was there yelling at my to just put my foot down. As she said...ITS RIGHT THERE! But everytime I tried to and I didnt feel the safety of the rock below I would put my foot back up and exclaim that I was clearly going to be stuck on this rock forever! In my head I was miles away from where i was trying to get and there was no way I could do it. Finally I put my foot down enough and oh look..it was right there all along. There was probably about a half an inch from where I was. But that was the farthest half inch of my life! I suppose I need to learn to let go. With my great ability to relate anything to a lesson, I say this: In life we need to learn to let go and trust that all will be okay. To know that there are people there helping us and guiding us. We cannot let fear run our lives. As then we will never be able to move on. So when I face planted on the pavement I instictivly put my hands out and tried to catch myself. So today I am expierencing huge amounts of muscle pain in my arms. Feels like I lifted hundreds of pounds. Oh wait...i did! Maybe I should trip more often. Seems to be a good workout. I am starting to get restless of eating right. I have not stopped yet or been tempted to the Devils delicious food cake. But I am wanting to not track points and calories and fiber and fat etc. Sigh. BUT I know that it is working so I will continue on and do it even when I dont feel like it. Things I learned today: RMV's are the most ridiculous places. You would think they would make more of them. Just when you think you are almost done they tell you to fill something out and come back. By then there is a huge line for you to stand in. Climbing rocks and jumping around in the woods is a great workout...3 days later and my legs are still sore. In the wise words of Relient K..Im pressing on
Confessions of a fat kid: Goldilocks and the three bears
Written On: Tuesday, March 16, 2010
We all know the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. I believe its supposed to be a moral of not going where youre not invited or something like that. I for one have always thought that Goldilocks was a bit high maintenence. Too hot, Too cold, just right. Too hard, Too soft, just right. Always seemed like a bratty snob who seemed to get whatever she wanted. Hence just walking into someone else's house and helping herself to their food and beds. But maybe she just knew what she liked, what kind of food her stomach could handle and firmness of bed her body would allow her to sleep comfortably in. I never thought of myself as high maintenence. I take what is given to me, sometimes whether I like it that way or not. Ive found that this is not a good attitude when eating healthier and changing your eating habits. Last week I was out to breakfast and found myself ordering like Sally from the movie "when Harry met Sally". I wanted this without that and with only a little of this...on the side. I even apologized to the waitress for being high maintenence. But what I am discovering is I cant just take the menu "as is". Some of the things they put on top of food or on the side of a dish are just mounds of fat. Or what some of my kids refer to as "liquid diabetes". I want to be in control of what I am putting into my body. Which in turn of course now makes me...sigh...high maintenence. And I thought I had enough trouble finding a man already! haha. You've heard the expression "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach"? Well as a fat kid instead of adjusting your eyes to fit your stomach, you adjust your stomach to fit your eyes! When your stomach says "no thank you Ive had enough" you say "oh no you havent! there is still food on this plate and starving people in other countries would love to have this so you will find a spot in there and fill it with all this food. And dont back talk me again stomach!". But alas your stomach gets the last laugh as afterwards you can barely breathe let alone move. Portion Control. Have you ever watched those shows with the fancy restaurants and they bring out food and you think..how is that even enough food? That is how I feel about serving sizes. 3oz of ground turkey? really thats all? or 2oz of pasta. thats like a cup. You want me to be full on a cup of pasta? That is ridiculous right? NO! My thinking is wrong. How much food does one person really need? A friend recently bought me a scale to weigh my food. I already know what you're thinking..we've lost Kelly to the dark side. But it has made me visually realize that serving sizes are there for a reason. Sure you COULD eat more but you really dont need to. At least start with the 2oz of pasta before taking 3 cups and over eating. Last night I made 2oz penne wheat pasta with 3oz ground turkey, 1/2 cup of diced tomatoes, 1/3 cups green peppers and a handfull of mushrooms. Plus 2/3 cups green beans. All serving sizes. And it was actually a lot of food. Didn't sound like it at the time. And while weighing everything out I thought to myself for a second that I must look silly. But it really has made me aware of the amount of food I am putting in my body. I have something to share that I have not blogged on yet. When I started this endevour I joined Weight Watchers. I know i know...why didnt I tell you. Old habits die hard I guess. In my head its just so cliche. The fat girl joining weight watchers. But you know what. I dont care how cliche it sounds. Its a great program that offers so much support and tools to help you. So yes, My name is Kelly and I am a member of Weight Watchers. Actually..thats kinda what the meetings feel like. They are a bit cheesy but its great to be in a room full of people who are all struggling with the same thing as you. One of the things I am learning in weight watchers is to write everything down that I eat. Have you ever seen the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days"? The part where her friend tells Kate Hudson's character to call the guy and tell them everything you had to eat that day? I seriously find myself telling people what I have eaten. I need to stop doing that I realize. But somewhere inside of me I am proud that I passed on the huge piece of chocolate cake and had one piece of chocolate instead and it was enough. Oh man this is turning out to be a list of bad habits I am picking up. From high maintence to the girl who tells too much. Geez. Yes gentlemen I am single if you can believe it! haha. Seriously though, seeing what you are eating in a day helps you better control what youre eating and when. Also makes sure you eat enough. One of my biggest struggles lately is to eat enough food. I am not as hungry which is good but my body still needs that food for energy. So I hadn't worked out for 3 days. I have a million good excuses and they all include work. But at the end of the day thats all it is..an excuse. So this morning I woke up and went for a walk up to the high school and back. I live right on Main St. as is the high school. But its all up hill. It was tough. I could feel my legs ache from the beginning and my breath get scarce. But the way back down was nice. I could still feel it in my legs but got a respitory break. I got quite a few..what is she doing...looks. Which..given what I am wearing I suppose I can understand. You see...i wear my black leggings to work out in. I know, they are not pants and should not be worn as pants but they are the closest thing I have to spandex and I like that they fit to my body allowing me to move better. And are also not falling down or dragging. So some of the looks I suppose are warrented. What I loved is that..I didnt care. Here I am on main st in my pants that show of all of my jiggle sweating from walking up a hill that an older lady was running (she passed me) and I dont care. I am out there for me and only me. They dont know me and so what if they do. Let them stare or even laugh. When Im running up that hill passed that old lady who will be laughing then. ( I think I am starting to hold grudges against old ladies) Was nice to see a familiar face drive past me and wave. Reminded me that in the midst of negativity I have people who love, care and are cheering me on. Things I learned today: Maybe I should invest in some real spadex pants. hmmm Even after a couple days without exersize your body can tell. I definately sway my hips a lot when I walk. Maybe that will help trim them down? one can hope!
We all know the story of Goldilocks and the three bears. I believe its supposed to be a moral of not going where youre not invited or something like that. I for one have always thought that Goldilocks was a bit high maintenence. Too hot, Too cold, just right. Too hard, Too soft, just right. Always seemed like a bratty snob who seemed to get whatever she wanted. Hence just walking into someone else's house and helping herself to their food and beds. But maybe she just knew what she liked, what kind of food her stomach could handle and firmness of bed her body would allow her to sleep comfortably in. I never thought of myself as high maintenence. I take what is given to me, sometimes whether I like it that way or not. Ive found that this is not a good attitude when eating healthier and changing your eating habits. Last week I was out to breakfast and found myself ordering like Sally from the movie "when Harry met Sally". I wanted this without that and with only a little of this...on the side. I even apologized to the waitress for being high maintenence. But what I am discovering is I cant just take the menu "as is". Some of the things they put on top of food or on the side of a dish are just mounds of fat. Or what some of my kids refer to as "liquid diabetes". I want to be in control of what I am putting into my body. Which in turn of course now makes me...sigh...high maintenence. And I thought I had enough trouble finding a man already! haha. You've heard the expression "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach"? Well as a fat kid instead of adjusting your eyes to fit your stomach, you adjust your stomach to fit your eyes! When your stomach says "no thank you Ive had enough" you say "oh no you havent! there is still food on this plate and starving people in other countries would love to have this so you will find a spot in there and fill it with all this food. And dont back talk me again stomach!". But alas your stomach gets the last laugh as afterwards you can barely breathe let alone move. Portion Control. Have you ever watched those shows with the fancy restaurants and they bring out food and you think..how is that even enough food? That is how I feel about serving sizes. 3oz of ground turkey? really thats all? or 2oz of pasta. thats like a cup. You want me to be full on a cup of pasta? That is ridiculous right? NO! My thinking is wrong. How much food does one person really need? A friend recently bought me a scale to weigh my food. I already know what you're thinking..we've lost Kelly to the dark side. But it has made me visually realize that serving sizes are there for a reason. Sure you COULD eat more but you really dont need to. At least start with the 2oz of pasta before taking 3 cups and over eating. Last night I made 2oz penne wheat pasta with 3oz ground turkey, 1/2 cup of diced tomatoes, 1/3 cups green peppers and a handfull of mushrooms. Plus 2/3 cups green beans. All serving sizes. And it was actually a lot of food. Didn't sound like it at the time. And while weighing everything out I thought to myself for a second that I must look silly. But it really has made me aware of the amount of food I am putting in my body. I have something to share that I have not blogged on yet. When I started this endevour I joined Weight Watchers. I know i know...why didnt I tell you. Old habits die hard I guess. In my head its just so cliche. The fat girl joining weight watchers. But you know what. I dont care how cliche it sounds. Its a great program that offers so much support and tools to help you. So yes, My name is Kelly and I am a member of Weight Watchers. Actually..thats kinda what the meetings feel like. They are a bit cheesy but its great to be in a room full of people who are all struggling with the same thing as you. One of the things I am learning in weight watchers is to write everything down that I eat. Have you ever seen the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days"? The part where her friend tells Kate Hudson's character to call the guy and tell them everything you had to eat that day? I seriously find myself telling people what I have eaten. I need to stop doing that I realize. But somewhere inside of me I am proud that I passed on the huge piece of chocolate cake and had one piece of chocolate instead and it was enough. Oh man this is turning out to be a list of bad habits I am picking up. From high maintence to the girl who tells too much. Geez. Yes gentlemen I am single if you can believe it! haha. Seriously though, seeing what you are eating in a day helps you better control what youre eating and when. Also makes sure you eat enough. One of my biggest struggles lately is to eat enough food. I am not as hungry which is good but my body still needs that food for energy. So I hadn't worked out for 3 days. I have a million good excuses and they all include work. But at the end of the day thats all it is..an excuse. So this morning I woke up and went for a walk up to the high school and back. I live right on Main St. as is the high school. But its all up hill. It was tough. I could feel my legs ache from the beginning and my breath get scarce. But the way back down was nice. I could still feel it in my legs but got a respitory break. I got quite a few..what is she doing...looks. Which..given what I am wearing I suppose I can understand. You see...i wear my black leggings to work out in. I know, they are not pants and should not be worn as pants but they are the closest thing I have to spandex and I like that they fit to my body allowing me to move better. And are also not falling down or dragging. So some of the looks I suppose are warrented. What I loved is that..I didnt care. Here I am on main st in my pants that show of all of my jiggle sweating from walking up a hill that an older lady was running (she passed me) and I dont care. I am out there for me and only me. They dont know me and so what if they do. Let them stare or even laugh. When Im running up that hill passed that old lady who will be laughing then. ( I think I am starting to hold grudges against old ladies) Was nice to see a familiar face drive past me and wave. Reminded me that in the midst of negativity I have people who love, care and are cheering me on. Things I learned today: Maybe I should invest in some real spadex pants. hmmm Even after a couple days without exersize your body can tell. I definately sway my hips a lot when I walk. Maybe that will help trim them down? one can hope!
Confessions of a fat kid-overcoming adversity
Written on: Friday, March 12, 2010
Week 2.....ugh week two. Quite possibly the worst week ever. I suppose thats up to individual but if youre like me by week two youre wondering to yourself...is being morbidly obese really that bad? Sure I break chairs sometimes and offend people on the airplane with my backside invading their space but there are perks too...right? I mean Im hardly ever cold and people think im "comfortable". Sigh. Week two. This week started off good...still on my high of losing weight last week I began to think I even looked different. Although my pants fit the same so that is highly unlikely. You know how sometimes you have the best days and while the day is coming to the end you think wow...i cant believe what a great day. And while the smile is still on your face the world says "Oh wait I forgot to give you THIS!" and you realize you left your youngest child at the grocery store hours ago and when you go back to retrive him there is the 6 o'clock news ready to inverview you as the horrible parent who abandonded their child. Ya, Tuesday was that day for me. As I was driving home I took a wrong turn and as I went to turn around my car decided that it would refuse to work. After calling my boss, my dad, and two tow truck companies, I was so done with Tuesday! Oh but the fun didnt end there. The garage kept my car for two days and then returned it to me on Thursday, not before taking 387 dollars from me of course. My point? Other than taking this public forum to complain of course is this...I did not want to do anything but throw myself a pity party, climb into bed and stuff my face. Right before I headed home on Wed. night I checked my fb and read some encouraging thoughts. And that was all it took. I went home had a healthy snack and worked out. Then ate a good dinner. What I learned those few days is this: The world is going to throw you curveballs. You can learn how to swing or get hit and let them take you out. I didnt want to work out...i didnt want to do anything. But I did it anyways. Against my better judgement. haha. Today (fri) was another one of those great days. I picked up Daruenie and we ventured out into the wild of Fitchburg. We wound up at Coggshall Park. Where my life long dream came into fruition. I was the king (queen) of the world. There are these huge rocks that are scadered around and some are massive. Me being...well me....had to climb the biggest one. Now to an ordinary person this might not have been a hard task at all..but this is me...I get winded standing up. The trickiest thing was finding the hand placement to pull myself up. But I accomplished that feat. Made it to the top. In that moment I felt so accomplished. I love climbing things but weight and fear always get in the way. But today I conqured that. Huge for me. Then of course the getting down. Oh man. That proved to be harder. Luckily I didnt fall at all. Wouldnt that have been a fun story to tell the grandkids. "And this scar is from the surgery grandma had to have when she fell and rolled off a rock and landed on her leg." We walked around the park after. It was just great. And will be even better the nice the weather gets better. But of course things always find a way to steal my joy...well i allow them to. I weighed myself and lets just say I am not as happy as I was last week. I was told its the time of day. I usually weigh myself in the mornings before I eat and I had to weigh myself at night instead. I am +2. UGH! I told myself I would be okay with anything...I lied. I knew I was lying too but i kept thinking...there is no way I gained weight. I didnt do anything different. Even as I write this I am dissapointed and partly angry at myself. My glimmer of hope is that in the morning the scale will be kinder. The truth is this though...there will be weeks I gain. Weeks I lose and weeks I stay the same. I cannot let any of that deter me from my goal. This week has taught me a lot. Pushing through is hard. Really hard. Almost impossible. However its a good thing I am not on my own then. I have friends and family cheering me on and being my shoulder to lean and ear to listen. And above all I have a heavenly father who loves me regardless and will continue to help me along with all that I need. I have a victory for the week. I conqured the eliptical. Thats right. 9 minutes straight. Granted the lady next to me was at 25 minutes when I got there and still on when I left. But I for one think she is a robot. Put there by the gym to stay on the machine and make you look to what you too can accomplish some day. You didnt see her...she is definatly a robot. Oh and I jogged. Thats right ladies and gentlemen week 2 was a jogging week. The grand total of time spent jogging...30-45 sec at a time...3 times. Thats right. Read it in weep track runners! Things I learned today: When climbing a rock, map out a clear exit plan. Always wear multiple layers, for when the photo opportunity of a lifetime occurs you wouldnt want to miss it just to not mess up your clothes. Lucky for me I wouldnt pass up a photo op if I was wearing Armani. And this my friends is why I am a Youth Pastor.
Week 2.....ugh week two. Quite possibly the worst week ever. I suppose thats up to individual but if youre like me by week two youre wondering to yourself...is being morbidly obese really that bad? Sure I break chairs sometimes and offend people on the airplane with my backside invading their space but there are perks too...right? I mean Im hardly ever cold and people think im "comfortable". Sigh. Week two. This week started off good...still on my high of losing weight last week I began to think I even looked different. Although my pants fit the same so that is highly unlikely. You know how sometimes you have the best days and while the day is coming to the end you think wow...i cant believe what a great day. And while the smile is still on your face the world says "Oh wait I forgot to give you THIS!" and you realize you left your youngest child at the grocery store hours ago and when you go back to retrive him there is the 6 o'clock news ready to inverview you as the horrible parent who abandonded their child. Ya, Tuesday was that day for me. As I was driving home I took a wrong turn and as I went to turn around my car decided that it would refuse to work. After calling my boss, my dad, and two tow truck companies, I was so done with Tuesday! Oh but the fun didnt end there. The garage kept my car for two days and then returned it to me on Thursday, not before taking 387 dollars from me of course. My point? Other than taking this public forum to complain of course is this...I did not want to do anything but throw myself a pity party, climb into bed and stuff my face. Right before I headed home on Wed. night I checked my fb and read some encouraging thoughts. And that was all it took. I went home had a healthy snack and worked out. Then ate a good dinner. What I learned those few days is this: The world is going to throw you curveballs. You can learn how to swing or get hit and let them take you out. I didnt want to work out...i didnt want to do anything. But I did it anyways. Against my better judgement. haha. Today (fri) was another one of those great days. I picked up Daruenie and we ventured out into the wild of Fitchburg. We wound up at Coggshall Park. Where my life long dream came into fruition. I was the king (queen) of the world. There are these huge rocks that are scadered around and some are massive. Me being...well me....had to climb the biggest one. Now to an ordinary person this might not have been a hard task at all..but this is me...I get winded standing up. The trickiest thing was finding the hand placement to pull myself up. But I accomplished that feat. Made it to the top. In that moment I felt so accomplished. I love climbing things but weight and fear always get in the way. But today I conqured that. Huge for me. Then of course the getting down. Oh man. That proved to be harder. Luckily I didnt fall at all. Wouldnt that have been a fun story to tell the grandkids. "And this scar is from the surgery grandma had to have when she fell and rolled off a rock and landed on her leg." We walked around the park after. It was just great. And will be even better the nice the weather gets better. But of course things always find a way to steal my joy...well i allow them to. I weighed myself and lets just say I am not as happy as I was last week. I was told its the time of day. I usually weigh myself in the mornings before I eat and I had to weigh myself at night instead. I am +2. UGH! I told myself I would be okay with anything...I lied. I knew I was lying too but i kept thinking...there is no way I gained weight. I didnt do anything different. Even as I write this I am dissapointed and partly angry at myself. My glimmer of hope is that in the morning the scale will be kinder. The truth is this though...there will be weeks I gain. Weeks I lose and weeks I stay the same. I cannot let any of that deter me from my goal. This week has taught me a lot. Pushing through is hard. Really hard. Almost impossible. However its a good thing I am not on my own then. I have friends and family cheering me on and being my shoulder to lean and ear to listen. And above all I have a heavenly father who loves me regardless and will continue to help me along with all that I need. I have a victory for the week. I conqured the eliptical. Thats right. 9 minutes straight. Granted the lady next to me was at 25 minutes when I got there and still on when I left. But I for one think she is a robot. Put there by the gym to stay on the machine and make you look to what you too can accomplish some day. You didnt see her...she is definatly a robot. Oh and I jogged. Thats right ladies and gentlemen week 2 was a jogging week. The grand total of time spent jogging...30-45 sec at a time...3 times. Thats right. Read it in weep track runners! Things I learned today: When climbing a rock, map out a clear exit plan. Always wear multiple layers, for when the photo opportunity of a lifetime occurs you wouldnt want to miss it just to not mess up your clothes. Lucky for me I wouldnt pass up a photo op if I was wearing Armani. And this my friends is why I am a Youth Pastor.
Confessions of a fat kid
Written: Tuesday, March 9, 2010
In this age of work out programs, exersize machines, quick fix diets, must have 5 minute ab roller/arm crunch/get rid of that fat under your chin gadgets..why are we so afraid to be public about our weight loss process. These products are designed for people to lose weight yet if we are trying to we keep it a secret. I affectionatly call this "the fat kid mentality". You know how when youre a chunky kid and no matter what you do athletically you get made fun of. The people telling you to lose weight are the first ones to mock you when they see you trying. So we keep it a secret. I have come to realize that this is counter productive! Like with other things in life that you are trying to overcome or keep up with, having accountability is essenctial. If you are doing it on your own surely you will then forgive yourself for just needing a little bit of chocolate..or at least what started out as that but then 5 minutes later you have torn into the whole chocolate cake and are now searching for the gallon of milk all the while the evidence is plastered all around your mouth. As you fall to the ground clutching your stomach you think why oh why didnt i have some fruit! Sound familiar? Okay maybe that was a bit of an over exaggeration. But we all know we wouldnt be too far from it! My point here is this...TELL SOMEONE! There is no shame in wanting to better your life by eating healthier, exersizing more and shedding some unwanted poundage. For all you fat kids out there I get it...what if I fail? In front of everyone. I have to tell you I have been over whelmed by all the people who have been supportive of me and what I am trying to do. At the end of the day its up to you. But why do it all on your own? So what have I been doing? Well for starters I have stopped eating more than one dinner a night. Yup thats right...as a fat kid I often want food even when i dont need it...okay more than often. So I would frequently eat dinner somewhere else then come home to a great meal prepared by my parents and eat that too. I can safely say that there are times where I am sure I have eaten a days worth of calories and such in one sitting. I have stopped that. It is hard. But I force myself to not eat dinner again. If im still hungry I grab a snack. I try to eat things that are higher in fiber and protein. More Veggies. I seriously think I have become a veggie-a-holic. I made tuna last week and with no alternative I was forced to put mayonaise in it. (I have been trying to not use it..ive found most things i would put it on taste great without it as well) So to make up for all the mayo I added like 5 different veggies to the sandwich. It was delicious. I have made the switch to wheat or whole grain pasta. Nasty right? Well i found one kind I liked. Healthy Harvest Penne Pasta. Does it taste the same? Of course not. But it is good. I hate breakfast...I often feel sick in the mornings...(no I am not pregnant..no not even a chance...listen God would have to be sending another son and since Jesus did such a great job the first time I dont think He would be re-inventing the wheel..so no..im not pregnant =) ) But I do hate breakfast. Guess what..i eat it anyways. Gives me energy and doesnt leave me wanting to Stop at DD for those delicious breakfast sandwiches and donuts that go straight to my thighs. Execize. Ugh. right? I know. I give myself a pep talk every morning as I lay in bed 20 minutes after my alarm has gone off telling myself "kelly get up...kelly GET UP!". As cliche' as this is going to sound...I really do feel better after I work out. You know after I catch my breath, feel my pulse slow down, and lay on the ground moaning for10 minutes...i feel great. I try to go to the gym in the morning...the other day I went on the eliptical. Oh my goodness. I told myself I would strive for 10 minutes. I made it 4-6. My calfs and thighs were burning so bad and I stopped several times. But i did it. Almost fell off it. Wouldnt that of been embarrising. Probably would have hit my head off the bike next to me too. ha! Anyways, I like the treadmill. Whats funny is Im strolling along music pumping in my ears, sweat pouring out of every pore in my body and I think man I must be flying at my 2.7-3.1 speed. Then I glance over at the 60yr old lady walking med pace on a 4.0 speed. Sigh. Then i vow in my head that I will be up to a 4.0 soon enough then I'll show that treadmill and that old lady! I do my own thing at my own pace. Over the years I have had so many people give me advice. And while I appreciate it all...I know my body and I know my limitations. I know when I can push myself and when I have had enough. So I work to push myself a little more each time..each week. I am confidant that I will be a jogger some day. Then maybe a runner....whoa....did Kelly Flaherty just say run? ha. Yes...run. What I learned today: When walking with head phones...look for cars. Had a close call and envisioned myself flying into the air landing on my ipod shuffle and breaking it rendering it useless for further usage. Yes when thinking about getting hit by a car my first thought is did my ipod break. Taking time to be active is an important choice you must make daily. Even if for 20 minutes to go for a walk or as a good friend suggested shoot some hoops. Now I can go to bed tonight knowing that I was active at least once today. Hills are not my friend. I am hoping to grow a better friendship over time but for now they are my enemy. Thanks for all the encourgement. Helping more than you know. -Kelly
In this age of work out programs, exersize machines, quick fix diets, must have 5 minute ab roller/arm crunch/get rid of that fat under your chin gadgets..why are we so afraid to be public about our weight loss process. These products are designed for people to lose weight yet if we are trying to we keep it a secret. I affectionatly call this "the fat kid mentality". You know how when youre a chunky kid and no matter what you do athletically you get made fun of. The people telling you to lose weight are the first ones to mock you when they see you trying. So we keep it a secret. I have come to realize that this is counter productive! Like with other things in life that you are trying to overcome or keep up with, having accountability is essenctial. If you are doing it on your own surely you will then forgive yourself for just needing a little bit of chocolate..or at least what started out as that but then 5 minutes later you have torn into the whole chocolate cake and are now searching for the gallon of milk all the while the evidence is plastered all around your mouth. As you fall to the ground clutching your stomach you think why oh why didnt i have some fruit! Sound familiar? Okay maybe that was a bit of an over exaggeration. But we all know we wouldnt be too far from it! My point here is this...TELL SOMEONE! There is no shame in wanting to better your life by eating healthier, exersizing more and shedding some unwanted poundage. For all you fat kids out there I get it...what if I fail? In front of everyone. I have to tell you I have been over whelmed by all the people who have been supportive of me and what I am trying to do. At the end of the day its up to you. But why do it all on your own? So what have I been doing? Well for starters I have stopped eating more than one dinner a night. Yup thats right...as a fat kid I often want food even when i dont need it...okay more than often. So I would frequently eat dinner somewhere else then come home to a great meal prepared by my parents and eat that too. I can safely say that there are times where I am sure I have eaten a days worth of calories and such in one sitting. I have stopped that. It is hard. But I force myself to not eat dinner again. If im still hungry I grab a snack. I try to eat things that are higher in fiber and protein. More Veggies. I seriously think I have become a veggie-a-holic. I made tuna last week and with no alternative I was forced to put mayonaise in it. (I have been trying to not use it..ive found most things i would put it on taste great without it as well) So to make up for all the mayo I added like 5 different veggies to the sandwich. It was delicious. I have made the switch to wheat or whole grain pasta. Nasty right? Well i found one kind I liked. Healthy Harvest Penne Pasta. Does it taste the same? Of course not. But it is good. I hate breakfast...I often feel sick in the mornings...(no I am not pregnant..no not even a chance...listen God would have to be sending another son and since Jesus did such a great job the first time I dont think He would be re-inventing the wheel..so no..im not pregnant =) ) But I do hate breakfast. Guess what..i eat it anyways. Gives me energy and doesnt leave me wanting to Stop at DD for those delicious breakfast sandwiches and donuts that go straight to my thighs. Execize. Ugh. right? I know. I give myself a pep talk every morning as I lay in bed 20 minutes after my alarm has gone off telling myself "kelly get up...kelly GET UP!". As cliche' as this is going to sound...I really do feel better after I work out. You know after I catch my breath, feel my pulse slow down, and lay on the ground moaning for10 minutes...i feel great. I try to go to the gym in the morning...the other day I went on the eliptical. Oh my goodness. I told myself I would strive for 10 minutes. I made it 4-6. My calfs and thighs were burning so bad and I stopped several times. But i did it. Almost fell off it. Wouldnt that of been embarrising. Probably would have hit my head off the bike next to me too. ha! Anyways, I like the treadmill. Whats funny is Im strolling along music pumping in my ears, sweat pouring out of every pore in my body and I think man I must be flying at my 2.7-3.1 speed. Then I glance over at the 60yr old lady walking med pace on a 4.0 speed. Sigh. Then i vow in my head that I will be up to a 4.0 soon enough then I'll show that treadmill and that old lady! I do my own thing at my own pace. Over the years I have had so many people give me advice. And while I appreciate it all...I know my body and I know my limitations. I know when I can push myself and when I have had enough. So I work to push myself a little more each time..each week. I am confidant that I will be a jogger some day. Then maybe a runner....whoa....did Kelly Flaherty just say run? ha. Yes...run. What I learned today: When walking with head phones...look for cars. Had a close call and envisioned myself flying into the air landing on my ipod shuffle and breaking it rendering it useless for further usage. Yes when thinking about getting hit by a car my first thought is did my ipod break. Taking time to be active is an important choice you must make daily. Even if for 20 minutes to go for a walk or as a good friend suggested shoot some hoops. Now I can go to bed tonight knowing that I was active at least once today. Hills are not my friend. I am hoping to grow a better friendship over time but for now they are my enemy. Thanks for all the encourgement. Helping more than you know. -Kelly
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