At Weight Watchers a few weeks ago the lady doing the meeting stressed to us the importance of not calling it cheating when you have something maybe you shouldnt. That this is a life style change and you can still eat all things just in moderation. Instead she encouraged us to refer to it as treating. And that it is okay to do that sometimes. I would tend to agree with this statement for the most part. However like with all things, too much is TOO MUCH.
I was on Vacation this past week and let me tell you, I have not been treating...I have been cheating. More than cheating, that sounds too calm, too little. Ive been stealing, sneaking, gorging, stuffing, and just all around pigish. It all started with some innocent cheese fries. Needless to say friends, maybe "treating" should be left up to the professionals. Cuz I dont treat, I CHEAT.
So I need to get back on track. I am positive I have gained some poundage and I can feel it. Its so funny because you automatically feel like you just picked up all that weight you lost and put it back on. Seriously. I know its ridiculous but I swear I feel the 50 pounds back on me. I'm sluggish and lazy. And irritable. My goodness. They tell you that eating right and exersizing improves your mood but I did not believe it till now. I feel what I call the Eeyore complex: "oh woah is me, my life is horrible, whine whine". And its like I can't stop. I just ate some junk food...thats an understatement..i inhaled a lot of junk food. If this were a movie you would see two people on my shoulders. One chunky one with a shirt too small on going "oh come on Kelly, you can eat some more you deserve it." And the other a thin sporty type holding a tennis racket calling me to the outdoors and to step away from the Twinkee.
I am dissapointed. I didnt think I was even capable of these bad habits anymore. I thought I had it beat. And I could pretend like all is okay and write about more weight I've lost and never be honest. That is the 'sane' thing I suppose. Why tell the world that over the last 4-5 days I have consumed enough to feed a small country and I'm pretty sure my collar bone has been sunken back into my fat. Because I have to. I have to be honest about my struggles. My downs and 'cheats' as well as my ups and victories. Otherwise I'm portraying a false reality. That losing weight and eating good is so easy. And I have never had a problem with it. That everyday I walk 10 miles with weights on and eat only fruits, veggies, and grains. But that is a lie. Its HARD. There are days I dont even want to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. Let alone exersize. So I let it all out. I share what I'm dealing with and where I am at. It helps keep me accountable and maybe even helps someone else that is struggling. Plus, I know that I have so many people supporting me and I know that when this is published those people will be right there with me cheering me on. Selfishly I want that. I need that. Everyone does.
So tomorrow is a brand new day. I will count points and eat healthy. I will work out and push myself just that little bit harder. Although I am dissapointed, I will not let it get me down, I will not let that dissapointment beat me. Because even if I fall, I know that I can get back up.
My parents bought me a bike. I am stoked. I immediately took it outside and rode it in the driveway of my house. I was petrefied. Have I mentioned that I have not rode a bike since I was like, I dont know.....12! People say you dont forget...LIES. Everytime I tried to turn I nearly fell off. I know the fundamentals, get on, pedal. But my body is all over the place. My mind saying "okay Kelly real funny now get off before we get hurt". I am confident that with more practice I can leave my driveway and maybe even go down a hill...maybe. I see lots of biking in my future. Lots of falling too.
I realized this week how blessed I am with people who love and care about me, and have my very best interest at heart. Sometimes I feel so...behind in life. Like I missed the part where eveyone jumped on the Life train. (I was probably distracted by a piece of chocolate) But as much as I would like to throw myself a pity party, and occassionaly I do, God reminds me that He has placed people in my life for a reason and I cannot discount them, or their love for me, whenever I am feeling down. So to those people-and you know who you are-thank you. For putting up with me and more so loving me anyways. =)
Things I have learned recently:
Do not buy a big bag of chips. You tell yourself that you will split it up but you wont. Then the next thing you know they are all gone.
When wearing a long dress, always make sure it is not under your feet when you get up from a chair and start to walk. Otherwise you will find yourself meeting the floor in front of 100+ people at a wedding reception.
There are times when you just have to follow your heart and what you want to do. You may be making the wrong decision but sometimes you never know until you try. Unless you're deciding to do drugs. Crack is never a good idea people.
If at first you dont succeed, try, try again. How else will you ever see what you can accomplish.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Confessions of a fat kid: Expectations
Written On: Sunday, May 23, 2010 at 9:51pm
I day dream...a lot. In fact most if I tell you about a dream I had more likely than not I was awake and day dreaming. So whenever there is something I'm looking forward to, I will constantly day dream about every aspect of it. What I will wear, say, what the other person will say, my reaction to that and so on. Then this silly fictional scenario that I've gotten all planned out, becomes my expectation. Things rarely meet my expectations. Either I've gone all fairy tale on it: "Then we shall kiss under the moonlight and stars while in the distance a faint harp is heard". Or I will go the other way and get all pessamistic and dramatic: "Oh woe is my life of despair and sorrow, I shall never find a mate". People have told me that they prefer to keep their expectations low so they won't be dissapointed. I wondered this week if this is what I do with my weight. Every week I go to weigh in I tell people, I know I have gained weight. I say how "bad" I've been. And for the last few weeks I have lost weight. I am not a fan of the low expectations. The problem with them is that you have a scapegoat so to speak. A way out. If I had gained weight then well, I expected that anyways. When you set your expectations low you set your standards low as well. Never giving yourself something to strive for. Something to work towards. Sure if your expectation is high you might not reach it but you can continue to push towards it. It can be your drive. There are of course un-realistic expectations. Like "by next week I wanna be a size 2". That wouldnt drive me to do anything but sit down with a bag of chips and a mountani dew. (FYI I have not had mountain dew in like 4 months. go me! =) ) That is not a possible goal in that time frame. My point in all this is: High REALISTIC Expectations. Ive decided I should, no NEED, to have expectations of myself. Goals as it were. Not just "lose weight" but specifics. So here's what I got so far: By the end of two weeks: - Jog 2 minutes without stopping -Exersize at least 5 times a week -Write down everything i eat and track my Weight Watcher points -Walk a 5K (3.1 miles) -Limit my coffee back down to 1 per week-been slacking on that a bit. -Do 10 full push ups -Most important: read my Bible everyday Some people may not think the last one fits in. However without God I can do none of this. He is my strength pushing me with every step. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:13 I've also noticed this week how offended I get when people can't tell I've lost weight. Like it they aren't gasping at the sight of my thining body. The thing is...I'm big. And you have to lose more for it to show than it would a smaller person. However I can tell and that is all that should matter. However, hearing it is nice. Those who notice and tell me, Thank you! =) Victory of the day: At the corps we have a dome shaped jungle gym and I REALLY want to hang upside down from it. So from time to time I go try to see if I'm getting better and today I could get one leg over. Woohoo! That's right Kelly the gymnist. Jealous. You're all jealous. And Praise God! The 40+ pounds I've lost has gotten rid of some health risks. I no longer have bad cholesterol or bad Tryclities (of however you spell it) and my risk for Diabetes has gone down. Yay! My mom asked me this week if I'd ever go back to the weight and general bad habits I was at before. In the wise words of Relient K "To go back to where I was would just be wrong, I'm pressing on" =) Things I learned this week: -Pantyhose are slightly less of the devil than they have been in the past...SLIGHTLY -When eating out if your stomach says "I'm full" STOP EATING no matter how good the food is. Stuffing yourself helps noone. On a related topic, thank God Barnes and Noble has a bathroom. That could have been embarrassing. -When doing Jumping jack make sure your pants fit or wear a belt. The phrase "pants on the ground' isnt as funny when its literal.
I day dream...a lot. In fact most if I tell you about a dream I had more likely than not I was awake and day dreaming. So whenever there is something I'm looking forward to, I will constantly day dream about every aspect of it. What I will wear, say, what the other person will say, my reaction to that and so on. Then this silly fictional scenario that I've gotten all planned out, becomes my expectation. Things rarely meet my expectations. Either I've gone all fairy tale on it: "Then we shall kiss under the moonlight and stars while in the distance a faint harp is heard". Or I will go the other way and get all pessamistic and dramatic: "Oh woe is my life of despair and sorrow, I shall never find a mate". People have told me that they prefer to keep their expectations low so they won't be dissapointed. I wondered this week if this is what I do with my weight. Every week I go to weigh in I tell people, I know I have gained weight. I say how "bad" I've been. And for the last few weeks I have lost weight. I am not a fan of the low expectations. The problem with them is that you have a scapegoat so to speak. A way out. If I had gained weight then well, I expected that anyways. When you set your expectations low you set your standards low as well. Never giving yourself something to strive for. Something to work towards. Sure if your expectation is high you might not reach it but you can continue to push towards it. It can be your drive. There are of course un-realistic expectations. Like "by next week I wanna be a size 2". That wouldnt drive me to do anything but sit down with a bag of chips and a mountani dew. (FYI I have not had mountain dew in like 4 months. go me! =) ) That is not a possible goal in that time frame. My point in all this is: High REALISTIC Expectations. Ive decided I should, no NEED, to have expectations of myself. Goals as it were. Not just "lose weight" but specifics. So here's what I got so far: By the end of two weeks: - Jog 2 minutes without stopping -Exersize at least 5 times a week -Write down everything i eat and track my Weight Watcher points -Walk a 5K (3.1 miles) -Limit my coffee back down to 1 per week-been slacking on that a bit. -Do 10 full push ups -Most important: read my Bible everyday Some people may not think the last one fits in. However without God I can do none of this. He is my strength pushing me with every step. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:13 I've also noticed this week how offended I get when people can't tell I've lost weight. Like it they aren't gasping at the sight of my thining body. The thing is...I'm big. And you have to lose more for it to show than it would a smaller person. However I can tell and that is all that should matter. However, hearing it is nice. Those who notice and tell me, Thank you! =) Victory of the day: At the corps we have a dome shaped jungle gym and I REALLY want to hang upside down from it. So from time to time I go try to see if I'm getting better and today I could get one leg over. Woohoo! That's right Kelly the gymnist. Jealous. You're all jealous. And Praise God! The 40+ pounds I've lost has gotten rid of some health risks. I no longer have bad cholesterol or bad Tryclities (of however you spell it) and my risk for Diabetes has gone down. Yay! My mom asked me this week if I'd ever go back to the weight and general bad habits I was at before. In the wise words of Relient K "To go back to where I was would just be wrong, I'm pressing on" =) Things I learned this week: -Pantyhose are slightly less of the devil than they have been in the past...SLIGHTLY -When eating out if your stomach says "I'm full" STOP EATING no matter how good the food is. Stuffing yourself helps noone. On a related topic, thank God Barnes and Noble has a bathroom. That could have been embarrassing. -When doing Jumping jack make sure your pants fit or wear a belt. The phrase "pants on the ground' isnt as funny when its literal.
Confessions of a fat kid: Sugar Coated Exercise
Written On: Monday, May 3, 2010 at 8:51pm
I am an emotional person...in case you didnt know. I cry. A lot. Its actually ridiculous. I remember as a kid being in trouble for whatever I did that day-probably something to do with my big mouth- and I would be sobbing uncontrolably. Then I would be told to go and eat my dinner. So there I sat with a bowl of tear soaked spaghetti O's shoveling food in between sobs. I tell you this for two reasons. One to show you just how emotional I really am and have been since proabably birth. And Two I wanted to point out that even when crying profusly I would not be missing a meal. Even in extreme emotional distress. As you all know I am a Biggest Loser fan. I try not to miss a week. Serious poundage losing is entriguing. You know when they get all emotional and cry about being fat? Well, I always think maybe its a little over played. You know, theyre sad I get it..but it seems to be amped up for TV. I'm fat...I dont cry about it. So I could never understand. But then this weekend I had my own "Last chance work outs". A friend pushed me just that bit harder. You know the harder where you are sweating so bad it drips off your face and into your eye rendering you momentarily blind. Saturday felt great. I was on top of the world. Sunday, while trying so hard to push myself to that one extra step, I felt it. Here I am, 25 and morbidly obese. Trying to jog less than 1/4 of a mile and feeling like I was gonna die. This is where I hit my perverbial brick wall emotionally. Physically I was gasping for air thinking that I would never breath normally again. On the inside I cursed the fact that I wa fat and hated that I let it get so bad. So I finally understand the emotion on the Biggest Loser. Because in the solidarity of the shower, with the only noise being the cold water hitting my back, I felt all the emotions inside of me and I let them out. I cried. For the first time since starting this journey. I cried about my struggle, my pain, and at that moment my absolute weakness. I thought that crying, being that upset about all of this, would make me feel defeaeted. Make me want to throw in the towel. O contrare! It made me see what needs to be worked on. How I can health-a-ly puch myself. I realised sometimes I was doing "sugar coated exercises". Not pushing myself past the point of this is hard. Im not advocating pushing yourself so hard you get hurt but if youre only doing the minimum you're not getting everything out of your workout you can. "I am struck down but NOT destroyed". I can cry a river but thats not going to stop me from pressing on. Eating better leads to cooking. Its inevitable. And me, I'm the worst kind because I actually think I CAN cook. Its the food Network channel's fault. They get me thinking if they can do it so can I. So last week while trying to make a piece of turkey, I almost burnt down the house. Looking over to see the pan on fire with flames high above it. I swear I did it just like on TV. I suppose I will never be Julia Childs. But Ive made some good food too. Like today I made a delicious Turkey Burger. It was great. Unlike my attempt at making a strawberry rhubard reduction sauce to put over my green beans. I had no idea what I was doing. Just throwing a bunch of things together. It was horrible. Lesson learned. I am getting a bike. Yup. No more walking for me. I will now "wheel" my way to health. Okay that was cheesy, even for me. But I'm very excited about this new form or exercise. A little nervous too. Why Kelly? They say you never forget how to ride a bike. I could possibly be the first person in history to prove that statement wrong. I'l keep you updated. In case I dont say it enough, thank you. To everyone who reads these and pushes me to continue. I know I am not doing this alone. You inspire me. Being vulnerable and honest is not always easy but I know its because of it Ive gotten so far and will continue on. So thank you again. Things I learned this week: -There is a runner deep down inside of me.....deep...way down. -No matter how old you are, in times of crisis, like a cooking fire, you will always call out for the help of your mom. -Nothing feels better than fitting into old clothes.
I am an emotional person...in case you didnt know. I cry. A lot. Its actually ridiculous. I remember as a kid being in trouble for whatever I did that day-probably something to do with my big mouth- and I would be sobbing uncontrolably. Then I would be told to go and eat my dinner. So there I sat with a bowl of tear soaked spaghetti O's shoveling food in between sobs. I tell you this for two reasons. One to show you just how emotional I really am and have been since proabably birth. And Two I wanted to point out that even when crying profusly I would not be missing a meal. Even in extreme emotional distress. As you all know I am a Biggest Loser fan. I try not to miss a week. Serious poundage losing is entriguing. You know when they get all emotional and cry about being fat? Well, I always think maybe its a little over played. You know, theyre sad I get it..but it seems to be amped up for TV. I'm fat...I dont cry about it. So I could never understand. But then this weekend I had my own "Last chance work outs". A friend pushed me just that bit harder. You know the harder where you are sweating so bad it drips off your face and into your eye rendering you momentarily blind. Saturday felt great. I was on top of the world. Sunday, while trying so hard to push myself to that one extra step, I felt it. Here I am, 25 and morbidly obese. Trying to jog less than 1/4 of a mile and feeling like I was gonna die. This is where I hit my perverbial brick wall emotionally. Physically I was gasping for air thinking that I would never breath normally again. On the inside I cursed the fact that I wa fat and hated that I let it get so bad. So I finally understand the emotion on the Biggest Loser. Because in the solidarity of the shower, with the only noise being the cold water hitting my back, I felt all the emotions inside of me and I let them out. I cried. For the first time since starting this journey. I cried about my struggle, my pain, and at that moment my absolute weakness. I thought that crying, being that upset about all of this, would make me feel defeaeted. Make me want to throw in the towel. O contrare! It made me see what needs to be worked on. How I can health-a-ly puch myself. I realised sometimes I was doing "sugar coated exercises". Not pushing myself past the point of this is hard. Im not advocating pushing yourself so hard you get hurt but if youre only doing the minimum you're not getting everything out of your workout you can. "I am struck down but NOT destroyed". I can cry a river but thats not going to stop me from pressing on. Eating better leads to cooking. Its inevitable. And me, I'm the worst kind because I actually think I CAN cook. Its the food Network channel's fault. They get me thinking if they can do it so can I. So last week while trying to make a piece of turkey, I almost burnt down the house. Looking over to see the pan on fire with flames high above it. I swear I did it just like on TV. I suppose I will never be Julia Childs. But Ive made some good food too. Like today I made a delicious Turkey Burger. It was great. Unlike my attempt at making a strawberry rhubard reduction sauce to put over my green beans. I had no idea what I was doing. Just throwing a bunch of things together. It was horrible. Lesson learned. I am getting a bike. Yup. No more walking for me. I will now "wheel" my way to health. Okay that was cheesy, even for me. But I'm very excited about this new form or exercise. A little nervous too. Why Kelly? They say you never forget how to ride a bike. I could possibly be the first person in history to prove that statement wrong. I'l keep you updated. In case I dont say it enough, thank you. To everyone who reads these and pushes me to continue. I know I am not doing this alone. You inspire me. Being vulnerable and honest is not always easy but I know its because of it Ive gotten so far and will continue on. So thank you again. Things I learned this week: -There is a runner deep down inside of me.....deep...way down. -No matter how old you are, in times of crisis, like a cooking fire, you will always call out for the help of your mom. -Nothing feels better than fitting into old clothes.
Confessions of a fat kid: Fragments that make a whole
Written On: Sunday, April 25, 2010
This week I've been thinking a lot about life. The different times in life. "Seasons" as some people call it. How each part of your life is blinded to the next. Having no clue where it fits in or if its made a difference. So many things in life make no sense at the time and then comes another fragment of your life that will make the last one crystal clear with understanding. If only you had known that next part you would have re-acted differently. You would have slowed down and been graceful in that situation. Instead of weeping for hours sobbing "Why me, Why me!" into your pillow. My Dad always says to me "Kelly, you didnt gain this weight overnight so dont expect to lose it overnight either." Doesnt it feel like you gained the weight over night though? Didnt you wake up one day and think, I swear I could see my toes yesterday. The fragment of life where you ate the whole box of oreos had no idea that a future fragment would have you 200 lbs over weight. If you knew what was lieing ahead the 4 cookie limit would have sounded pretty good. I love the show the biggest loser. Its encouraging and entertaining. But the one part that I hate is the weigh ins. Well not the actual weigh ins but the part where people feel as if they failed losing only 1,2 or even 5,6 lbs in one week. Yes I know its a game but that is weight loss and no matter how little it is one step closer to your goal. Plus those little fragments of your life I was talking about, add up. And what seems like not enough now at 4 lbs is gonna be huge later when all together you've lost 50 lbs. And without that 4 lbs your total would only be 46. Each part of your life is important and essiential to the rest of it. All the good and bad days have a reason, a purpose. Without one thing, your life wouldnt add up to what it is. Every pound counts. Do not be discouraged by one pound but be joyful as it is one pound less you have to lose. This weekend I went to visit my "sista from anotha mista" Jessica in NY at the School for Officers Training. There they have a great gym facility. So Saturday morning thats where we were. Jessica sets me up with some fat burning thing on the treadmill. I dont usually do a program so I thought I would give it a try. Oh my goodness! Here I am thinking I am so fit now I can dominate a treadmill. Ya..ok. Clearly not. I nearly fell off when it changed speeds. Then I was jogging on an incline of 5% @ 3.7, which I realize most people walk at that speed. I have two words to say to that, Chunky Thighs! Anyways, I got the hang of the speed change and jogged, walked, jogged, walked, repeat for 20 minutes. I was sweating like crazy calling death threaths to the machine and Jessica for making me do such an awful thing. She ran next to me assuring me I'd feel better afterwards. What I felt was my body colapse on the ground comatose. However, I do feel good. My legs hurt but its nice to be reminded they can do more than just hold me upright. My physical activity is a process. I yearn for the day I will run a marathon or bike a triatholon. But those fragments will piece together when the time is right. Then I'll look back and see where I came from and know that each point had a purpose. One of my favorite quotes is "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." I give all my fragments to the only one who can arrange them perfectly, my amazing, powerful God. Things I've learned this week: -Buffets are just horrible. Nothing good can come from them. -When your car sounds rough, sweet talk it calmly, it does wonders. -Those big round stability balls are killer for crunches. Soon my stomach shall be a washboard.
This week I've been thinking a lot about life. The different times in life. "Seasons" as some people call it. How each part of your life is blinded to the next. Having no clue where it fits in or if its made a difference. So many things in life make no sense at the time and then comes another fragment of your life that will make the last one crystal clear with understanding. If only you had known that next part you would have re-acted differently. You would have slowed down and been graceful in that situation. Instead of weeping for hours sobbing "Why me, Why me!" into your pillow. My Dad always says to me "Kelly, you didnt gain this weight overnight so dont expect to lose it overnight either." Doesnt it feel like you gained the weight over night though? Didnt you wake up one day and think, I swear I could see my toes yesterday. The fragment of life where you ate the whole box of oreos had no idea that a future fragment would have you 200 lbs over weight. If you knew what was lieing ahead the 4 cookie limit would have sounded pretty good. I love the show the biggest loser. Its encouraging and entertaining. But the one part that I hate is the weigh ins. Well not the actual weigh ins but the part where people feel as if they failed losing only 1,2 or even 5,6 lbs in one week. Yes I know its a game but that is weight loss and no matter how little it is one step closer to your goal. Plus those little fragments of your life I was talking about, add up. And what seems like not enough now at 4 lbs is gonna be huge later when all together you've lost 50 lbs. And without that 4 lbs your total would only be 46. Each part of your life is important and essiential to the rest of it. All the good and bad days have a reason, a purpose. Without one thing, your life wouldnt add up to what it is. Every pound counts. Do not be discouraged by one pound but be joyful as it is one pound less you have to lose. This weekend I went to visit my "sista from anotha mista" Jessica in NY at the School for Officers Training. There they have a great gym facility. So Saturday morning thats where we were. Jessica sets me up with some fat burning thing on the treadmill. I dont usually do a program so I thought I would give it a try. Oh my goodness! Here I am thinking I am so fit now I can dominate a treadmill. Ya..ok. Clearly not. I nearly fell off when it changed speeds. Then I was jogging on an incline of 5% @ 3.7, which I realize most people walk at that speed. I have two words to say to that, Chunky Thighs! Anyways, I got the hang of the speed change and jogged, walked, jogged, walked, repeat for 20 minutes. I was sweating like crazy calling death threaths to the machine and Jessica for making me do such an awful thing. She ran next to me assuring me I'd feel better afterwards. What I felt was my body colapse on the ground comatose. However, I do feel good. My legs hurt but its nice to be reminded they can do more than just hold me upright. My physical activity is a process. I yearn for the day I will run a marathon or bike a triatholon. But those fragments will piece together when the time is right. Then I'll look back and see where I came from and know that each point had a purpose. One of my favorite quotes is "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." I give all my fragments to the only one who can arrange them perfectly, my amazing, powerful God. Things I've learned this week: -Buffets are just horrible. Nothing good can come from them. -When your car sounds rough, sweet talk it calmly, it does wonders. -Those big round stability balls are killer for crunches. Soon my stomach shall be a washboard.
Confessions of a fat kid: getting back on the wagon, battered and bruised
Written On: Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So the expression falling of the wagon has always been funny to me. You know how all sayings like that come from somewhere? Like saying shotgun to get the front seat. That is cuz back in the day the person with the shotgun sat there to thward off all the evil people clearly trying to kill them. As for this falling off the wagon saying...did someone back in wagon times fall off alot but then just smiled and got back on? Maybe they were clumsy and fell off alot and were encouarged to get back on. Or maybe someone just made it up. None of this is relevant at all to what I am going to share. Just a thought that popped in my head that I of course felt the need to share. The past few weeks have found me off the wagon. Well not completely off...maybe being dragged with one foot on the wagon and one foot trying desperatley trying to reach the ground. Easter was the start. Ham and potatoes. Mmm. Plus I was in a bad mood that day and what did I do eat more to spite....someone. Isnt it funny that when youre mad or something you will eat more? Who exactly are you hurting? Only yourself. Which of course at the time you are not thinking of. At the time youre like I am in control of my own life and I can do what I want! As you over eat ridiculously. Having no control what so ever. So there was that. I say I was half off the wagon cuz I was still walking and generally running around making sure my heart rate got up even a little. I feel as if I could be really down on myself and get all "im a failure, I'll be fat forever!" but really that is just not the truth. The fact is I am going to over eat sometimes. I will want chocolate in abundance at times, especially certain times! And all that is okay. As Ive said before...journey my friends. I have never ran the Boston Marathon but for 7 yrs I had an officer who did. He told us about what I believe is called Heartbreak Hill? I very well might be wrong in the terminology. But there is one point in this 26 (?) mile marathon where there is a hill that kills people. They have been running and are tired then here comes a hill for them to overcome. That is what the last couple weeks have been like. So far the race has been fairly level grounded...hard at times but Ive been going steady and feeling confident. Then I have hit the pervebial hill where I am running slower trying to get over this massive bump in the road. I could drop out and throw in the towel but then I will never know the victory of finishing the marathon. So Heart break hill...I may be walking to get over you, but I will get over you. Victory of the week: I went to Old Navy to see if there were any fat girl clothes someone ordered online and didnt want so returned to the store. I decided that I would try on some womens XXL. If you know anything about plus size shopping you know that XXL and 2X are not the same. So I didnt think that XXL would fit. Alas to my surprise all the shirts fit! So now I can shop at Old Navy. Ive gotten some new tank tops and t-shirts. Soon I shall be able to buy pants there. I am at camp currently. Spent the night with my friend Alberta and our new DYS Capt. Armida. This morning Alberta and I walked to the Pioneer site so I could see the new Ampitheather. Not that its an exceptionally hard walk cuz well its not. However I am pretty sure there have been times where walking all around camp would be hard for me. Granted maybe I was just tired from chasing kids. Either way: Victory! I take it where I get it! Recently went on a hike to the High Ledges in Greenfield MA. It was amazing. You walk and then all of a sudden there you are over looking a whole town. I just thought to myself...I cant believe I could miss out on this due to laziness and being overweight. I dont ever want to miss out on things for those reasons. For all of my friends out there in cyber space struggling with the journey we call weight loss I say this: Dont give up. Have your bad moments and fall off that wagon if you need to. But pick yourself back up and get on. If you dont have the strength allow someone to pull you on. In the end you know its all worth it. Highlights of the weeks: Fat Free Pringles. Theyre awesome guilt free snacking. Buy some. Now. After no time to myself...I thank God for allowing me time with friends who lift me up and give me love. I have a collar bone. You dont believe me..next time you see me I will let you feel it. haha.
So the expression falling of the wagon has always been funny to me. You know how all sayings like that come from somewhere? Like saying shotgun to get the front seat. That is cuz back in the day the person with the shotgun sat there to thward off all the evil people clearly trying to kill them. As for this falling off the wagon saying...did someone back in wagon times fall off alot but then just smiled and got back on? Maybe they were clumsy and fell off alot and were encouarged to get back on. Or maybe someone just made it up. None of this is relevant at all to what I am going to share. Just a thought that popped in my head that I of course felt the need to share. The past few weeks have found me off the wagon. Well not completely off...maybe being dragged with one foot on the wagon and one foot trying desperatley trying to reach the ground. Easter was the start. Ham and potatoes. Mmm. Plus I was in a bad mood that day and what did I do eat more to spite....someone. Isnt it funny that when youre mad or something you will eat more? Who exactly are you hurting? Only yourself. Which of course at the time you are not thinking of. At the time youre like I am in control of my own life and I can do what I want! As you over eat ridiculously. Having no control what so ever. So there was that. I say I was half off the wagon cuz I was still walking and generally running around making sure my heart rate got up even a little. I feel as if I could be really down on myself and get all "im a failure, I'll be fat forever!" but really that is just not the truth. The fact is I am going to over eat sometimes. I will want chocolate in abundance at times, especially certain times! And all that is okay. As Ive said before...journey my friends. I have never ran the Boston Marathon but for 7 yrs I had an officer who did. He told us about what I believe is called Heartbreak Hill? I very well might be wrong in the terminology. But there is one point in this 26 (?) mile marathon where there is a hill that kills people. They have been running and are tired then here comes a hill for them to overcome. That is what the last couple weeks have been like. So far the race has been fairly level grounded...hard at times but Ive been going steady and feeling confident. Then I have hit the pervebial hill where I am running slower trying to get over this massive bump in the road. I could drop out and throw in the towel but then I will never know the victory of finishing the marathon. So Heart break hill...I may be walking to get over you, but I will get over you. Victory of the week: I went to Old Navy to see if there were any fat girl clothes someone ordered online and didnt want so returned to the store. I decided that I would try on some womens XXL. If you know anything about plus size shopping you know that XXL and 2X are not the same. So I didnt think that XXL would fit. Alas to my surprise all the shirts fit! So now I can shop at Old Navy. Ive gotten some new tank tops and t-shirts. Soon I shall be able to buy pants there. I am at camp currently. Spent the night with my friend Alberta and our new DYS Capt. Armida. This morning Alberta and I walked to the Pioneer site so I could see the new Ampitheather. Not that its an exceptionally hard walk cuz well its not. However I am pretty sure there have been times where walking all around camp would be hard for me. Granted maybe I was just tired from chasing kids. Either way: Victory! I take it where I get it! Recently went on a hike to the High Ledges in Greenfield MA. It was amazing. You walk and then all of a sudden there you are over looking a whole town. I just thought to myself...I cant believe I could miss out on this due to laziness and being overweight. I dont ever want to miss out on things for those reasons. For all of my friends out there in cyber space struggling with the journey we call weight loss I say this: Dont give up. Have your bad moments and fall off that wagon if you need to. But pick yourself back up and get on. If you dont have the strength allow someone to pull you on. In the end you know its all worth it. Highlights of the weeks: Fat Free Pringles. Theyre awesome guilt free snacking. Buy some. Now. After no time to myself...I thank God for allowing me time with friends who lift me up and give me love. I have a collar bone. You dont believe me..next time you see me I will let you feel it. haha.
Confessions of a fat kid: "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground"
Written On: Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The last couple of weeks have quite possibly been the busiest of my life. Okay that's a bit of a stretch but I have been quite busy. Trying to find time to exersize has been very difficult. So my workouts have been short. I am still trying to do something everyday however. I have been trail blazing in the forests of Western Mass. Sometimes I forget that Im not really a rock climber....yet. I tend to see these big structures made by God with waterfalls cascading over them and think...i could totally scale that. Ya...not quite. I would rather not break my face so I really need a dose of reality before I become one with the earth, literately! I am guessing that most of you know where the title of this note comes from. If not go to youtube and type it in. Gotta love American Idol auditions. They are my favorite part. Anyways. A few months ago I realized I was in need of pants so I went to Old Navy.com and bought some. When they were shipped to my house I find out they are too small. Why didnt I shop in the store you ask? Well like most stores they do not have fat girl clothes in the store. They did for a while in Old Navy but it must have offended the customers because now they are "exclusivly online" as old navy puts it on their website. I love that they try and make it sound like its a priveledge. Like we are in some elite club. Actually I have a feeling the plus sizes might have not sold well in store because lots of heavy set people are afraid of shopping in public. Feeling as if the whole world is watching them try on those size 26 jeans. Not to mention the fact that if they dont fit they you have the "walk of shame" back to the rack. I get it. It can be very intimidating. But really ladies...why are we doing this? Hiding who we are. We complain that society puts us down cuz we're fat. But very often we are the best at doing that to ourselves! So get out there and shop! Ive completely lost track of my point at the beginning of this paragraph. haha. Okay so what I was going to share was that those Old Navy pants fit now! Not just them but most of the pants I have been holding onto that have been a little to snug or really down right...i cant breathe! I was so excited to have that happen. I wasnt expecting it and was preparing myself for the worst of course. I cant always see where I am losing the weight. But that was a great conformation. So last Saturday at Weight Watchers we talked about not giving up. And boy did I need to hear that! With life getting busier and me having more urges to lay in bed and just eat all day its been a struggle to want to do anything let alone look at calories, fat etc. But what everyone said made so much sense. You will have weeks were you gain..or lose .5 or nothing. But when you give up you go right back to where you were. Or worse! I just keep thinking..if I stop and gain weight and then some...then when I want to start again I will be heavier than before. It will be like starting all over again. So my thing is this, no matter how much i want to quit, no matter how many times I mess up..I will not be throwing in the towel. I equate this much to my walk with God. When I mess up he is there pushing me to continue on. Because life with God is just that LIFE. Not a portion, not a time period but the whole thing. Weight loss is like that...is a LIFE thing. If I am making this sound easy. Please forgive me. Because its not. Not at all. But all the tears and crap days and fusterating tired nights are worth it. I am worth it. My life, me not dying in my 20's, me being able to fly to anywhere and experience everything is worth it! I went to a place called Bear's Den this week. It is woods with this really awesome waterfall. Its small but pretty non-the-less. I was with my cousin who has her permit. So at the very least if I broke something at least she could drive. Me a day dreamer by nature, envisioned me falling and breaking my arm. Then being all McGuiver and splinting it with a stick and my sweatshirt. All the while staying calm and collected. Of Course in reality I would be screaming bloody murder and would probably panic my way into unconsioness. Im always a hero in my day dreams though. I am 2 pounds away from my 5% goal at weight watchers. Its hard to keep track of weight loss because it depends on what point you start from. The doctor has their own starting point and Weight watchers has their own. I figure it doesnt matter. Weight loss is weight loss. Things I learned this week: Things always look higher when on top of them than when looking up at them. Walking down to the gym was such a great idea...walking back, uphill....ya..not so good No matter how old I get I cannot ever find socks that match. Giving up shouldnt even be an option
The last couple of weeks have quite possibly been the busiest of my life. Okay that's a bit of a stretch but I have been quite busy. Trying to find time to exersize has been very difficult. So my workouts have been short. I am still trying to do something everyday however. I have been trail blazing in the forests of Western Mass. Sometimes I forget that Im not really a rock climber....yet. I tend to see these big structures made by God with waterfalls cascading over them and think...i could totally scale that. Ya...not quite. I would rather not break my face so I really need a dose of reality before I become one with the earth, literately! I am guessing that most of you know where the title of this note comes from. If not go to youtube and type it in. Gotta love American Idol auditions. They are my favorite part. Anyways. A few months ago I realized I was in need of pants so I went to Old Navy.com and bought some. When they were shipped to my house I find out they are too small. Why didnt I shop in the store you ask? Well like most stores they do not have fat girl clothes in the store. They did for a while in Old Navy but it must have offended the customers because now they are "exclusivly online" as old navy puts it on their website. I love that they try and make it sound like its a priveledge. Like we are in some elite club. Actually I have a feeling the plus sizes might have not sold well in store because lots of heavy set people are afraid of shopping in public. Feeling as if the whole world is watching them try on those size 26 jeans. Not to mention the fact that if they dont fit they you have the "walk of shame" back to the rack. I get it. It can be very intimidating. But really ladies...why are we doing this? Hiding who we are. We complain that society puts us down cuz we're fat. But very often we are the best at doing that to ourselves! So get out there and shop! Ive completely lost track of my point at the beginning of this paragraph. haha. Okay so what I was going to share was that those Old Navy pants fit now! Not just them but most of the pants I have been holding onto that have been a little to snug or really down right...i cant breathe! I was so excited to have that happen. I wasnt expecting it and was preparing myself for the worst of course. I cant always see where I am losing the weight. But that was a great conformation. So last Saturday at Weight Watchers we talked about not giving up. And boy did I need to hear that! With life getting busier and me having more urges to lay in bed and just eat all day its been a struggle to want to do anything let alone look at calories, fat etc. But what everyone said made so much sense. You will have weeks were you gain..or lose .5 or nothing. But when you give up you go right back to where you were. Or worse! I just keep thinking..if I stop and gain weight and then some...then when I want to start again I will be heavier than before. It will be like starting all over again. So my thing is this, no matter how much i want to quit, no matter how many times I mess up..I will not be throwing in the towel. I equate this much to my walk with God. When I mess up he is there pushing me to continue on. Because life with God is just that LIFE. Not a portion, not a time period but the whole thing. Weight loss is like that...is a LIFE thing. If I am making this sound easy. Please forgive me. Because its not. Not at all. But all the tears and crap days and fusterating tired nights are worth it. I am worth it. My life, me not dying in my 20's, me being able to fly to anywhere and experience everything is worth it! I went to a place called Bear's Den this week. It is woods with this really awesome waterfall. Its small but pretty non-the-less. I was with my cousin who has her permit. So at the very least if I broke something at least she could drive. Me a day dreamer by nature, envisioned me falling and breaking my arm. Then being all McGuiver and splinting it with a stick and my sweatshirt. All the while staying calm and collected. Of Course in reality I would be screaming bloody murder and would probably panic my way into unconsioness. Im always a hero in my day dreams though. I am 2 pounds away from my 5% goal at weight watchers. Its hard to keep track of weight loss because it depends on what point you start from. The doctor has their own starting point and Weight watchers has their own. I figure it doesnt matter. Weight loss is weight loss. Things I learned this week: Things always look higher when on top of them than when looking up at them. Walking down to the gym was such a great idea...walking back, uphill....ya..not so good No matter how old I get I cannot ever find socks that match. Giving up shouldnt even be an option
Confessions of a fat kid: "Also, I think there's more to you than just fat"
Written On: Monday, March 22, 2010
Pop quiz: where is the quote at the title of this note from? Give up? Its from Grease. Possibly one of my favorite lines from that movie. Its so innocent. He means it as a compliment and she takes it as one. I have always wanted to say this line to people. To the kids who picked on me growing up, to all the boys who wouldnt give me the time of day, to the gym teachers who constantly make me feel 2nd rate because I couldnt run a lap. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST FAT! This week has been a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week". Between my purse and all my identity being stolen out of my car, not getting nearly enough sleep and the little things like having to pee so bad that i run to the bathroom but fall outside on the ground on the way. Go ahead laugh..i know you want to. There are silver lineings that God has showed me but more on that in a bit. I have been thinking a lot this week about why I am doing all of this. Is it for the right reasons? Am I wanting to be healthy or to just trying to look better so i can finally have a date? Am I writing these things to boost my ego or to inspire and be inspired by friends, family and others like me? Its difficult to go on the weight losing "journey" and not think of how great you will look afterward. However if youre not careful it can take over and become the reason youre doing it in the first place. God and I were having a little chat this week and He really just confirmed that all of this, The timing, my openess and any success I have is all because of Him. And I totally believe that with all of my heart. "For apart from Him I can do nothing". At the end of the day what I look like on the outside is not who I am. I am suddenly not going to be any smarter or funnier. (really...im already hilarous so..) Who I am is on the inside. Who God created me to be is on the inside. My personality, my gifts, talents, and even my vises will not change if I weigh 1000 pounds or 150 pounds. So I will continue to be true to who I am. Kelly Marie Flaherty, child of God! So silver lineing. Some things that would normally have been in my purse where not there. ie: my new camera and my ipod nano. Ironically my camcorder and my ipod shuffle were in there. So when the thief wants to have a laugh they can watch the ridiculous video that Daruenie and I made a few Sunday's ago during Sunday School. And they can listen to my random mix of songs I work out too. Good for them I hope they enjoy it. Also...big news. I went to the drs this week and from the last time I was there which was maybe 4ish weeks ago...i have lost 18 pouinds. Woohoo! Aparently eating right and exersize actually IS good for you. Who knew? They should really advertise that more. I have to tell you about my friday. Last week I shared about climbing on a big rock. I've posted pics if you would like to check them out. Anyways this week I went back with a couple of my kids. I looked at the rock and thought...i wonder if the first initial hurdle would be as hard as it was last week. So I boosted myself up not wanting to climb all the way up but just the first step I guess you could say. I got up no problem and thought. Wow one week and I'm already one step closer to being a professional rock climber. Then I went to get down.... I was frozen. Trying to find a grip to hold on to and allow my foot to go down to the "step" below. But I couldnt reach it. As I stood there sweating to death at this point trying to figure out how I get myself in these situations I thought, great now I have to climb up just to get down again. Daruenie was there yelling at my to just put my foot down. As she said...ITS RIGHT THERE! But everytime I tried to and I didnt feel the safety of the rock below I would put my foot back up and exclaim that I was clearly going to be stuck on this rock forever! In my head I was miles away from where i was trying to get and there was no way I could do it. Finally I put my foot down enough and oh look..it was right there all along. There was probably about a half an inch from where I was. But that was the farthest half inch of my life! I suppose I need to learn to let go. With my great ability to relate anything to a lesson, I say this: In life we need to learn to let go and trust that all will be okay. To know that there are people there helping us and guiding us. We cannot let fear run our lives. As then we will never be able to move on. So when I face planted on the pavement I instictivly put my hands out and tried to catch myself. So today I am expierencing huge amounts of muscle pain in my arms. Feels like I lifted hundreds of pounds. Oh wait...i did! Maybe I should trip more often. Seems to be a good workout. I am starting to get restless of eating right. I have not stopped yet or been tempted to the Devils delicious food cake. But I am wanting to not track points and calories and fiber and fat etc. Sigh. BUT I know that it is working so I will continue on and do it even when I dont feel like it. Things I learned today: RMV's are the most ridiculous places. You would think they would make more of them. Just when you think you are almost done they tell you to fill something out and come back. By then there is a huge line for you to stand in. Climbing rocks and jumping around in the woods is a great workout...3 days later and my legs are still sore. In the wise words of Relient K..Im pressing on
Pop quiz: where is the quote at the title of this note from? Give up? Its from Grease. Possibly one of my favorite lines from that movie. Its so innocent. He means it as a compliment and she takes it as one. I have always wanted to say this line to people. To the kids who picked on me growing up, to all the boys who wouldnt give me the time of day, to the gym teachers who constantly make me feel 2nd rate because I couldnt run a lap. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST FAT! This week has been a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week". Between my purse and all my identity being stolen out of my car, not getting nearly enough sleep and the little things like having to pee so bad that i run to the bathroom but fall outside on the ground on the way. Go ahead laugh..i know you want to. There are silver lineings that God has showed me but more on that in a bit. I have been thinking a lot this week about why I am doing all of this. Is it for the right reasons? Am I wanting to be healthy or to just trying to look better so i can finally have a date? Am I writing these things to boost my ego or to inspire and be inspired by friends, family and others like me? Its difficult to go on the weight losing "journey" and not think of how great you will look afterward. However if youre not careful it can take over and become the reason youre doing it in the first place. God and I were having a little chat this week and He really just confirmed that all of this, The timing, my openess and any success I have is all because of Him. And I totally believe that with all of my heart. "For apart from Him I can do nothing". At the end of the day what I look like on the outside is not who I am. I am suddenly not going to be any smarter or funnier. (really...im already hilarous so..) Who I am is on the inside. Who God created me to be is on the inside. My personality, my gifts, talents, and even my vises will not change if I weigh 1000 pounds or 150 pounds. So I will continue to be true to who I am. Kelly Marie Flaherty, child of God! So silver lineing. Some things that would normally have been in my purse where not there. ie: my new camera and my ipod nano. Ironically my camcorder and my ipod shuffle were in there. So when the thief wants to have a laugh they can watch the ridiculous video that Daruenie and I made a few Sunday's ago during Sunday School. And they can listen to my random mix of songs I work out too. Good for them I hope they enjoy it. Also...big news. I went to the drs this week and from the last time I was there which was maybe 4ish weeks ago...i have lost 18 pouinds. Woohoo! Aparently eating right and exersize actually IS good for you. Who knew? They should really advertise that more. I have to tell you about my friday. Last week I shared about climbing on a big rock. I've posted pics if you would like to check them out. Anyways this week I went back with a couple of my kids. I looked at the rock and thought...i wonder if the first initial hurdle would be as hard as it was last week. So I boosted myself up not wanting to climb all the way up but just the first step I guess you could say. I got up no problem and thought. Wow one week and I'm already one step closer to being a professional rock climber. Then I went to get down.... I was frozen. Trying to find a grip to hold on to and allow my foot to go down to the "step" below. But I couldnt reach it. As I stood there sweating to death at this point trying to figure out how I get myself in these situations I thought, great now I have to climb up just to get down again. Daruenie was there yelling at my to just put my foot down. As she said...ITS RIGHT THERE! But everytime I tried to and I didnt feel the safety of the rock below I would put my foot back up and exclaim that I was clearly going to be stuck on this rock forever! In my head I was miles away from where i was trying to get and there was no way I could do it. Finally I put my foot down enough and oh look..it was right there all along. There was probably about a half an inch from where I was. But that was the farthest half inch of my life! I suppose I need to learn to let go. With my great ability to relate anything to a lesson, I say this: In life we need to learn to let go and trust that all will be okay. To know that there are people there helping us and guiding us. We cannot let fear run our lives. As then we will never be able to move on. So when I face planted on the pavement I instictivly put my hands out and tried to catch myself. So today I am expierencing huge amounts of muscle pain in my arms. Feels like I lifted hundreds of pounds. Oh wait...i did! Maybe I should trip more often. Seems to be a good workout. I am starting to get restless of eating right. I have not stopped yet or been tempted to the Devils delicious food cake. But I am wanting to not track points and calories and fiber and fat etc. Sigh. BUT I know that it is working so I will continue on and do it even when I dont feel like it. Things I learned today: RMV's are the most ridiculous places. You would think they would make more of them. Just when you think you are almost done they tell you to fill something out and come back. By then there is a huge line for you to stand in. Climbing rocks and jumping around in the woods is a great workout...3 days later and my legs are still sore. In the wise words of Relient K..Im pressing on
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